Happiness

Tonight my roommate Rabia and i had our classic "romantic dinner night" as in we cook food put on cheesy romantic music and eat together which happens everytime we are home and hungry at the same time. She asked me "When was the last time you were really happy" To me this seemed like either a depressing topic about to be started or a genuine look at my life.

This seemed like a stupid question because everyone knows that "I am the girl that smiles and is happy all the time" then i started to think about how many times i'm smiling and laughing but its really fake. I answered by saying the previous night at my class. they were really good and high spirited. I enjoy teaching in that atmosphere. I am lucky to have a job that makes me happy because i know so many people who are absoluely miserable at their job or looking for one. I realized that even in my lowest points in life i still have a warm group of people around me that are here for me. granted this group of people has changed due to my constant relocation but regarless of that God has blessed me with a support system near and far to make my bad moments good.

As i think about this christmas season, I think about all those who have the "holiday stress" and they dont remember what teh season is about. I think i can cherish it a bit more than normal since i missed it last year, and I'm coming from a country that doesnt know jesus. It is my joy everytime my students ask me about christmas and waht i do and why i'm so excited about it.

rollercoaster

I know i've been terrible at updating this, and everyday i think about somethign i want to post but i'm never around a computer and i forget to write these things down. I think the only thing i can update properly on this thing is that Turkey round two has been quite the rollercoaster. it has had its ups and downs. My office is going a bit crazy again. theres loads of interesting drama goingon with friends. Needless to say. I'm excited to go home for christmas but am also excited i'm coming back. The may end point scares me a bit.

work ethic

I have decided that the turkish work ethic really makes me angry. I know it may not be only "Turkish" but its what I've encountered here. I ask my students what did you do this weekend? They say " I studied" All weekend? I ask. That is pretty boring, surely you took a break and maybe ate something, You can tell me about that. No christy, i studied all weekend. Ok what did you study. If they say English, then i laugh because if you studied 48 hours of english and only english you would have at least done the 10 mins of homework I assigned. (of course i didnt actually laugh at my students when they say they studied, i praise them) The amount of studying my students say they do for their courses and the actual productivity seems unequal. I remember my very unproductive study days but that was normally when nothing important needed to get done. If i wanted to go to a party or meeting or something I prioritized, i worked hard for a few hours then I took a break and did the other important things. I knew that if i had to work I had two hours to do my homework. I made everything work.

I know that i was a good prioritizer and that this ability isnt the same for everyone, but I think especially in turkey it doesnt exist. I have turkish friends who i have asked to hang out. I'm sorry i'm studying all week, they say. I think really? No break for one hour and grab a coffee or tea. Nope, i must study constantly. these are people who I know are not being productive. Funny enough i know some of these people are studying for "english" tests. Interestingly enough i offer my help since i'm an english teacher, and they are too proud to accept help. I asked my turkish roommate about this and she says of course we wouldnt take your help. I am dumbfounded again. If i really needed to pass a test and anyone professionial in the subject offered to help me i would gladly accept. She said, nope christy, not in turkey. I was blown away. In a culture built on helping others they have a very individualist approach to somethings. - i guess this isnt true for everyone since i'm annoyed by those "i just want to practice english with you" people. my roommate actually said, christy I wouldnt ask you for help. I said thats a lie we practice all the time. But she rephrased and said if i offered help-which i have on several occasions because i know its important to her- she would never actually ask me to spend time teaching her.

It's so interesting that they wont accept free help, whereas I would in a heartbeat take free turkish lessons. I'm mostly frustrated with the missed plans with me because "i'm studying" I would love to observe my friends and students "study". Better yet, i should teach "prioritizing"

weekends

I'm reading a book right now that said " people dont ask you about your weekend unless they want to tell you about theirs" I couldnt help but think how true this was. In the US you always had to one up your conversation partner. You never ask about someones weekend unless maybe you are really bored and want any little piece of conversation starter. Here I always ask about my students weekend, mainly to get them talking but I have realized I always get teh same answer " i went home, i watched tv. i slept." Boring. If i tell them i did someting which normally i avoid the topic they think I am so adventous. However, i normally do my weekend activities out of bordom or ambition to get outa the house. This is purely not the case here. Their answer are so foreign to me however, I kind of like the lack of judgement when i say " oh i did absolutely nothing this past weekend"

21 days

It takes 21 days to break or make a habit. What are you suppose to do for those 21 days? 21 days can be a long time. i think i barely made it 21 days in my last living situation... but i think that was a completely different thing. I have now been back for 1.5 months. I'm finally starting to form some habits. I think life is better when you have routines and habits. I enjoy my mornings slowly rising, making coffee and relaxing, either reading,checking my email or talking with Sandra if she is here. The rest of my day always seems to be a blur as i've actually been working a lot. I have no idea what is going to happen when I actualy have morning class. I crave a future of certainty and routines.

Habits are forming in Istanbul and I'm starting to relax. The only problem is when there is a habit that seems all to framiliar that you try to break. I always live my life thinking that anything is possible, so even bad habits go away within time... perhaps 21 days worth of time.

home vs house

It has been in the last few weeks where i realized the the importance of what I did with habitat two years ago. I thought before, i've lived in crappy college houses and never had a problem. I do think it would be nice to raise families in nice housing so I happily built houses and supported the habitat mission. However with my recent experiences i now understand the importance of feeling comfortable in your house. There is nothing worse than dreading to go home. The constant avoidance of being at home, of bringing friends over due to what might be waiting you unexpected.

I am now much happier in a place where I enjoy going home. I know nothing crazy will be different. It does seem that they have changed something every time i come home. It is quite entertaining actually, as they are very crafty people. Life is looking up and my happiness level is definitely higher.

welfare

I had a lower level student ask me about food stamps and what they were yesterday. I explained or attempted to explaın our welfare system. Thıs ıs a complete foreıgn ıdea to turks because for them ıf they are poor they lean on theır famıly. the ıdea of an ındıvıdualıst socıety ıs very dıffıcult for them to understand. That theory hıt home wıth me yesterday as for the fırst tıme ı serıously contemplated baılıng and comıng home. I was worrıed about what ı would do and what people would thınk of me. I dıd realıze that no matter how much our socıety ıs based on beıng ındıvıduals we do have a sense of famıly and communıty and no matter what you are supported ın all your decısıons. I thınk that here they dont have that. You cant make crazy decısıons and be supported by your famıly. You cant even make decısıons that may conflıct your famılıes ıdeas. That ıs what ıs so great about our western culture.

New address

Hello faithful followers.
I will have mail sent to my school again. Here is the address. This is a bit differnet maybe now it wont get lost as much? I am also trying to befriend the office staff so they wont hide my mail in spite of me being a teacher. It is as follows:

English Time
Christy Corso
İstiklal Caddesi
Örs Turistik İş Merkezi No:151
Taksim / Beyoğlu, İstanbul 34300
TURKEY

I know I havent written much lately, but its because nothign spectaculare has been happening. I guess the biggest stuff in my life is hearing about all the drama going on back home. I often think "america has it all together" but when I talk to the people i know in America it seems like thier lives are incredibly stressful and depressing. I am sad i'm not there to be there for people who need it but, maybe that depressing section is out of my life right now, and that is a positive in my mind. I know the moment i come back I will be bombarded with questions about my future, what are you doing, why are you doing it. Dont you have a plan? All those questions present loads of stress. Yes those same questions are asked here but i feel like they arent asked with such a condescending town. "

Side note: Despite the fact that women's rights are pretty different here there are some perks to having men protect us in this culture. I'm sitting at starbucks and some creep starting talking to the girl behind me, from the moment he approached i saw all 3 male employees have an eye on him. they let it last for about 1 full minute and realized it was not wanted conversation and they quickly escorted him out. There is no messing around when it comes to making sure women are comfortable, which is always reassuring! (dad you can rest easy )

on the horizon

After contemplating taking the next flight out of Istanbul, my luck started to change. I think i had finally hit rockMy bottom. I am finally getting settled into what i hope will be permanent housing. I now live with two Turkish girls and a puppy. This puppy was the problem. The day i paid rent they decided to get a puppy, Our apartment is extremely small so I didnt agree that this was the best place to keep a dog. It has started to get better. The girl is doing a good job of taking care of it and is being very respectful. I think that is all i can ask for in this situation.

Job: i've been interviewing at other jobs, but i also have been weighing the pro's and cons . I really want to only be here for 6months and this is the only job that will offer that option. I am on good terms so far with the frustrating head teacher so I assume if she has no reason to hate me, I can go about my job peacefully. Also yesterday at the end of my class, i had three students come up to me and thank me for what i do. they said it was really useful and they were happy i was their teacher. that really changed my mind about jumping ship too. This branch is near failure. I don't have the heart to leave my students that are tryign to learn English. Its not their fault that the management is terrible. They have done nothing wrong to me.

I have been thinking lately a lot of about the captivity that my students and friends are in. they live in a world that is so different than mine. Its frustrating to see. I guess i'll touch on that more in later posts. But now I'm hungry..

second time

I have always tried avoiding doing things a second time due to the fact that its never as good as the first. You hold expectations and you are frustrated when they dont meet your marks. One of my biggest fears about coming back was that this scenario would become true. Things at my school are absolutely madness right now. I have to decide whether i'm going to stick around for 6 months of ridiculousness or bail. I thought last year, English time was about as crazy as it was going to get since apparently it used to be a pretty bad school and we were going throught some transition. However, I was wrong and after the crazy new procedures they are introducing my first thought was to jump ship. It all reality it looks like the majority of the teachers are either sticking out to the end, or also looking for an opening to get out. The sad part is I really like my classes. Granted its only two classes so far and I'm bound to have some bad apples in the bunch, but I like the students. This time around hasnt been the smooth sailing adventure as I thought it was going to be. It has definitely presented a lot of struggles and its only the beginning. However dear readers, it does not mean i hate being here because that is not true, I am still very satisfied with my decision to come back. Its just a little different than I expected.

outside living

Alright, I am semi settled in and feeling like I'm going to be uprooted fairly soon .. again. I have had a bit of a struggle trying to find housing. Nothing is cheap becasue they LOVE to scam foreigners. And the housing i did find, despites its awesomeness I think it will be straining on my eventually since its farther and more expensive. I have had a good welcoming back to Istanbul. I stayed with two friends when i got back who were both very welcoming. The other teachers that were still here were very excited to see me and made me feel at home, which was nice, it even felt that I was more appreciated now than when i left. Hmm interesting!

This past weekend I taught one class, which was good. I enjoyed being back and having something to do. My students were great, the management was of course chaos as usual. Oh its good to be back. I had to get my apartment keys copied yesterday and in the process of asking for directions the man looked at me confused and says "hold on i will call" He then tells me we must wait 5 minutes. we have a very awkward conversation becasue i am pretty rusty on my turkish and he offers me tea, a custom I am very fond of. Then he gest a call and says "ok we can go" He takes me one bock ot the key maker and sits and watches him make the key. Yep he left his shop to come with me (a shop that i couldnt quite figure out how it functions. its looked like old faucets but literally was the size of my closet back at home. Anyways. turkish work ethic. Gotta love it. this whole time i was slightly giggling to myself at the ridiculousness of it all and was happy to be back. Turkey has many quirks. Some are very hard to get used to and some are just plain comical. Anyways, so far its been a good adventure.

Infidel

I'm currently trying to finish a book about a Muslim women seeking refugee in Holland. I had heard many stories in the past year about Muslim traditions and views on different cultural aspects. This book has illustrated some of the most grotesque traditions. This morning I read two paragraphs that particularly sparked my interest. First, She is talking about the Holland government.
" Government was very present in this country. It could be bureaucratic, sometimes stupidly complex, but it also seemed very beneficial. I wanted to know how you do that. This was an infidel country, whose way of life we Muslims were supposed to oppose and reject. Why was it, then, so much better run, better led, and made for such better lives than the places we came from? Shouldn't the places where Allah was worshiped and His laws obeyed have been at peace and wealthy, and the unbelievers' countries ignorant, poor, and at war?"

I spent hours defending my country in Turkey this past year. Most people who know me, know that I love to argue, I came to a point in Turkey were I just sat patiently, let them make ridiculous claims about my country and then continue on with my discussion. It is so ingrained in the country that they are the best, and that other countries are so crazy that we could never ever be doing something correct. I understand some of their claims, of course because many times i dont agree with my government either, but my country isn't fighting its own people. It is functioning. One of the things I missed most about living in America was the fact that it functions. Communication works. Things get done, granted while i'm here i never thing that these things are the pro's of our society but living and working in a different culture has definitely led me to be thankful for that. The comment that in a country where Allah is worshiped should be better than a country in which Allah is not worshiped also made a smile creep upon my face. When my students asked me about Christianity in a genuinely inquisitive manner, i was shocked to learn that in school they arent even given the basics on other religions. It is taught that the Muslim way is the only way. there is no choice, there is no acknowledging that people in the rest of the world may believe something else. This was always frustrating to me. I need to know all the sides before i can make decisions for myself. How can these people choose to worship something or even do their daily activities without questioning anything? I wonder if their children are notoriously asking "why mom, why dad" Are they told to shut up and not ask questions? That would definitely explain the differences in Governments.

The second passage was about violence.

" I cycled home thinking, "This is why Somalia is having a civil war and Holland isn't" It was all there. People in Holland agree that violence is bad. they make a huge effort to teach their children to channel aggression and resolve their disputes verbally. They had analyzed conflict and set up institutions to regulate it. This was what it meant, to be citizens."
The Turkish temper was something that really got to me. They were always angry. A fist fight broke out due to a disagreement about a book. A fist fight! in class! My friends who when they were angry started yelling fits, instituted silent treatment to deal with anger. I asked several of my male students who had been in fist fights, all of them had. They thought i was asking a stupid question. There is so much political unrest in these countries, and in my opinion they look to blame other people because they don't want to realize that its the way they were brought up. They aren't capable to vocalize their opinions in a constructive manner. They most definitely can protest, but where does that get you. According to my students, no where.
Its funny to me to think about how many people hate me in Turkey because I'm American. They don't know that there is something out there. It's not their fault that their education system doesnt provide them with the tools and resources to make decisions for themselves or to scrutinize their culture. They are taught to follow a set of rules and never asked the question why. It all starts from the childhood question "why"

Return is near

Well I haven't updated this since I've been back. Since that time there have been many moments of freakouts and break downs that so frustratingly come with new life choices. I pondered about a zillion options for next year and finally came to rest on returning to Turkey. It was a difficult decision and what made it worse was making the rounds telling the people that I love that i was up and moving again. Seeing the hint of disappointment in their eyes was difficult but I knew that this is something that needed to happen.

The scariest part of leaving again is knowing I'm coming back. The feeling of the unknown can be the most rewarding, exciting and scariest feelings one can experience. I love that people say, "oh yeah, you are young you have nothing to lose, go travel go do fun things" but what am I missing out on by staying in one place? Am i missing out on great friendships that are easily attained by being available and in the same area code? Am I missing a career opportunity that is staring me in the face? I dont think so, not yet anyways which is why i'm leaving again. A friend told me that being put in one place could quite honestly be as lonely as traveling to a new place all alone. It's what you make of the situations and what you want to gain from each new life puzzle piece. To me, i think this is very true. Before I left abroad last year, i was lonely, i was no happy where I was despite the fact that I had lots of good friends and activities to attend to. It wasnt correct. Then when I would travel to a place and have no real friends, I, for some reason, didn't feel as alone. I think the adventure of everything kept me going. I hope going back to a semi framiliar place wont put me back in the same situation but will challenge me to continue growing into the person I want to become.

roma homa

My last stop on my trip home was Rome. (Ha that rhymed). It was an odd feeling going back. I realized that I had not explored the city in 4 years. In most of the cities I’ve been to, I haven’t returned. This gave me a sense of security. It also brought back many memories of the beginning of the trip. Italy is Italy, no matter what city you go to. The food was amazing as usual. I ate as much of it as I could before I left. I was really worried and a little bummed that I would be spending my last night alone. However, God provided once again and I met two girls who were also lonely and we spent the entire day together. One, the Austrailian girl was really great to me, she kept saying, this is YOUR last day in Europe!! What do you want to do. To be quite honest we did everything I had planned, and I didn’t have to do it alone. They went on a pub crawl at night, and I walked them to the Spanish stairs and said goodbye, hoping to get a good nights sleep before I left. I went back home taking in the fine Italian scenes around me. Italy is beautiful, it was a great beginning to my trip. Last night I went back to my hostel and tried to sleep. However sleep was not going to come. I laid in bed, hoping to dose off at any moment and it never came. I contemplated going to the airport super early but decided that would be just as pointless. My thoughts and anxiety about going home were in full force.
I got the train and realized I was leaving. I realized I was going very far away, I realized that I just was gone for almost a year, and it barely fazed me (I’m in the airport right now and a bird just landed in front of me and almost attacked me, oh Europe). I’m already nervous about going home, and then I hit the airport. I got in the Alitalia line with loads of other Americans heading back to the US. The lady in front of me was complaining very loudly about her flight to Miami. My stomach turned. Americans, complainers. I’m going back to that, I’m going back to traveling that is very difficult. I’m going back to attitudes that think they are the most superior people in the world, and everyone should make special arrangements for them. My stomach turned again. I then started surveying all the people in the line. They were complaining about how much their baggage weighed for one weeks travel. I thought back to the two girls I’ve been hanging out with, both with bags my size and are traveling for 6 weeks and 2 months. Materialism, I’m going back to a world of materialism. My stomach turned once again. When I was in line for security, this girl in front of my almost started crying to her mom and dad because their seats got changed and “I better have an aisle seat” She was older than me by the way, not a little child. My stomach turned again. In front of those people was a cheery old lady trying to make conversation with the grumpy family in front of me. She said she is going to Chicago, then to Minnesota, She said this in a VERY Minnesotan accent. This finally gave me a little smile, at least there are some perky people around, but it was almost a little annoying perky. This flight is starting off a little difficult for me. Maybe because I’ve had zero hours of sleep, or maybe because I’m scared of what I’m going to find in America. Welp, my flights starting to board. It’s time.

buda- to - the - pest

Budapest was good. It’s a pretty cool city. I spent a lot of time here and found new things to do everyday. Since I’m at the end of my journey I’m semi disinterested. All I can think about is the uncertainty of my future and it depresses me a little bit. I can’t believe its been almost a year. I want to go home. I want to figure out what is going on next. I cant help to think about the friends that will disappear if I don’t go back to Istanbul. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? We they the conditional friends? Those who love me/ appreciate me because I’m there and can entertain, can listen, can be the person to pass time with.

Now I worry about going home. Will my friends and family be different? I know this year has changed me, have they changed too? Will I be able to pick things up as I left them? All these things scare me as I approach my final destination. I think its kind of cool that I’m making a final pit stop in Italy, I think as I wander the streets of Rome for one day, I can reminisce my arrival. The jetlagged stumble into Florence. Meeting my roommates, going out for our first of many Italian dinners together and getting to know one another. Finding out why each person decided to make this change in their life. Each of us came for really different reasons, we came from very different backgrounds, however we all had one thing in common, We needed something new. The majority of us found out we were running from something. I cant help, these last few days, to think about what it was that I was running from when I came here. I cant quite put my finger on it, but I wasn’t happy, I needed out. Am I ready to go back to whatever I was tired/afraid of? In a few days I think I will find out. I sure hope there are some answers waiting for me in the near future as well.

bucharest

Bucharest.
As we flew into Bucharest, I thought I was flying back into Wisconsin. Quinn, my travel buddy, and I kept looking for cows, but unfortunately we didn’t see any. Quinn is also from Wisconsin. The first thing we did in Bucharest was buy a train ticket out of Bucharest. The second thing? MCDONALDS. Yes, we are that great of worldwide travelers. I wanted to try the ice cream at every McDonalds, but am quickly realizing (without disappointment) they are pretty similar in every country. This one had some crazy baby cones. After checking into our hostel, we accomplished the next most American thing possible to do. We went to H&M at the shopping mall we found. It was normal. Then we walked around the city, found a cute area to eat and went back. We took much needed showers, and Quinn went out again, I was exhausted both mentally and physically from my last few days in Istanbul. Today we walked more and more. I’m convinced we saw all of Bucharest in 24 hours. It was both cute and ugly. It had many green places which made it enjoyable, It also had some of the most disgusting buildings I’ve ever seen.
I also noticed guys love exposing their bellies. All the older men with pot bellies I’ve scene enjoy walking around with their shirts rolled up over them. The girls so far have worn incredibly short shorts/skirts (as Quinn pointed out).
I’m now currently on the train as I type this, and its almost sunset as we are traveling through what we think is translyvania. Its quite beautiful.

goodbyes again

Istanbul goodbye. As I type my final thoughts of Istanbul, Istanbul is still not out of my mind. I am currently on the train from Bucharest, Romania to Budapest, Hungary. The song playing on my ipod couldn’t be more fitting for this post, “All good things” by the Weepies. The lyrics “all good things come to an end.”
I am not good at goodbyes, leaving Istanbul was especially rough. As you can maybe see from my posts or talking to me when I get back, I’ve changed and that is because of my experiences in Turkey.
Turkey has taught me a lot about myself, and enlightened me about other cultures. I was put in a situation that is probably really difficult for the average person. Despite the language barriers and cultural differences, I was able to meet some pretty amazing people. That is something I don’t think would ever happen in America. People took me under their wing, made sure I was cared for; that was pretty amazing. Seeing that I, in turn, impacted lives here also made saying goodbye difficult.
I don’t think I’ll accurately be able to describe this past year to people in America. You just can’t put labels on things that happen. I’m definitely afraid of going home. I’m scared of reverse culture shock. I hadn’t been out of turkey in 8 months when I arrived in Bucharest. I kept trying to speak the Turkish that was ingrained in my head. I couldn’t understand that things were different. I felt oddly out of place and a little weird. I then realized, this was only the beginning of my transition back to the USA. All day yesterday I had a feeling in my stomach that I was doing something wrong, that I was happy in Istanbul why was I leaving? Was I suppose to leave? A matter of where I should be and when, the classic problem. Knowing that I made the decision to leave, freaked me out. The future is very uncertain. I think once again I could be happy many places. I just want to let God make that decision for me, and I’m trying to remain relaxed and joyful. I have many opportunities and I’m lucky to have people all over the world that love me and want my presence among them. That’s what I really want. I want to be loved, and feel wanted somewhere. A purposeful life.

Goodbyes

For the record I just spend 20 minutes trying to log onto this blog. That shows dedication right there....

My time is coming to a close. My mother, brother, and sister-in-law were here last week and it was great. I am happy to be able to share a bit of my last 8 months with someone from home. I am happy that they were so open minded and relaxed that it made the trip a lot more enjoyable for me at least. I think the best perk was they took all my stuff home so i only have a backpack to travel with! :)

I'm slowly saying all of my goodbyes. I had a friend tell me how cool it is to build "family" in different parts of the world. It has definitely been amazing getting to know the people here but how do you say goodbye when most likely you'll never see them again. I want to say, oh no problem i'll be back. But I feel like I'll be giving up a lot go come back and am not sure that is the best option. My students and my friends have really become my family here. When i have a problem, or a question, I bring it to my next class. They are genuinely very worried about me, which is what you need when you are living in a strange foreign place. I can't say the same treatment would happen in the USA which makes me sad to leave this place also.

Last night my girls class took me out for a "turkish dinner" We went to this area called "Kumkapi" where they have lines of restaurants, serving the same foods. You get meses, which are like appetizers (holly's favorite dish here) borek, fish,chicken or meat, fruit for desert and drinks. Then they fill this long dinner with dancing. I love these nights. As we were leaving the sounds of drums in every restaurant were echoing through the streets, Belly dancers on the tables outsides. Waiters dancing on chairs. Random groups of musicians serenading tables on the sidewalk. Its a wonderful sight and sound. Not to metion wonderful food!

One thing that was sad though, was that not all of my class could come because their fathers wanted them home. Two of the girls are my age. It was 7pm they had one hour before returning home. There family has even invited me to dinner b/c they talk about me so much, but they had one hour for dinner before being home on a saturday night. One of the other girls says to me, christy i am such a liar, I told my mother i was goign to my sisters house so i could come have dinner with you. She is 26.

It hurts me to see the lack of freedom these people have. They arent even trying to do anything crazy, but to have dinner with a bunch of girlfriends. I did hear the girl talkign to her mother in the car and she told her the truth, that she was going out to dinner b/c it was her teachers last day. I did hear her say yes, all girls many times and you can look on facebook to see the pictures.

Girls my age, will live like this until they get married when they will switch to thier husbands control. It made me realize how lucky I am. I have been given a freedom. It makes me feel bad that I fought my parents about curfews so much when i was younger because in reality i had it really good. I had a family that loved me, cared about me, and respected me enough to let me make my own decisions, To let me travel, to let me figure out my life, to let me become who I wanted to be. I think that was something very important that I have learned here. şanlıyım ve benım aılem benı sevıyor. I am lucky and my family loves me.

long walks and wrap ups

I had a little extra time today and decided it was time for a long walk to think. This used to be one of my favorite pasttimes and i think lately i've been so wrapped up in life that I've completely forgotten to take time to think. To process whats going on around me, and whats going on with me. This was a much needed walk. I like my life here, I'm not neccessarily excited for it to end but one thing I know is, its time to take a break and go home, Go home and really think about things. I am trusting that once again God will point me in a direction to go from there. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm doing, i can tell them what I think my plan is, but I assure them I'm not really sure what the future holds for me. I started thinking about those goals i had when I first got here, am I fulfilling them? I'm a planner and I think it was time to step back and see if what I'm doing, if what i think feels good right now, Is ultimately what was I had in mind. Am I doing things for the right reasons. I a big pro and con maker, and as much as it might annoy other people, I think it helps me. Right now I'm making those lists for everything. It's both good and bad.

closing time

About three months ago, I was really looking forward to going home. I was in that little rut some people get in when they don't know what they are doing with thier lives. Now with just under a month to my departure from Turkey my feelings have completely changed. I will miss life here, I think I was finally getting comfortbably and now I'm heading off again. Why does it seem like that keeps happening in my life.

On the other hand I was hanging out with Brandon yesterday because he is finished, and I realized that I actually am really excited to go home. I feel like I can properly relax at home. I will have TV! I will ride a bike, i wont worry about people not understanding me, I can speak as fast as i want. I don't have to worry about offending someone due to cultural differences. I will be back to a culutre that I (for the most part) understand. Thinking about that does get me excited about going home.

Bir ay sonra

One month left. This is incredibly bittersweet. I dont know how I feel about it. I am at my usual pondering/ get work done location: Starbucks, where I ordered in turkish. The guy did a double take and i think almost started laughing because he did not expect me to speak turkish. He understood me clearly, which should have been that hard since i was just ordering coffee, but i also realized how I'm still not taken seriously due to my light colored haird and blue eyes. I also think it has something to do with the fact that i'm probably dressed incredibly american today b/c it is my day off. I also felt a little bit of joy that he didnt ask me to repeat what I said b/e he understood me perfectly, I am starting to be able to have conversations. Its starting to click, with only one month left... I think its a really fun language and really interesting to listen to. I realized that i know most of the grammar but am missing vocabulary, which reading really helps. Good thing my teacher got me some childrens books to work on. That is what I spent the morning doing.

I played frisbee with Mike yesterday and realized how much i miss frisbee, or outside sports. It was fun, summer is good. There are also a lot of things I realized I would miss about turkey, My friends here have asked if I'm worried about entertaining or having my family visit. I said not really, i hope that they will fall in love with this country like I did the first time.

After traveling to the islands with my students last week, i realized that I have done more things in this country than the people who have lived here their entire lives. I understand not doing touristy things as in many of the cities I lived in, i havent gone to the popular locations, but I thought the islands were definitely a "turkish" thing to do. I started to get frustrated with teh fact that when I ask my students "what did you do last night/ weekend" their normal answer is I went to work, i went home, i watched tv. i went to sleep. Was really, in fact, all they did, all they ever do. They have no sense of adventure. Or maybe they do but have no chance to execute that excitement. When we were at the isalnds I started walking on the rocks (really big rocks, not a bit dangerous in my mine) and they FREAKED out. Teacher that is dangerous. WHere is your sense of excitment? A little bit of a thrill here and there. Go out one night without a plan and start walking. You eventually find something to do. I remember in college when I had no idea what to do at night, brittany and I would just start walking, we almost always eventually found something interesting to do, if not we at least got exercise and killed some time. That just doesnt happen here, especially when they think i'm crazy for walking anywhere.

The things they accept here are just ridiculous, but they dont know anything else. I see the value of education, most importantly good education. They know that they were poorly educated and it bugs me. DO something about it!

Mike and i were talking about the lack of determination here, it is something that really bothers us. We both really value determined/ driven people. We also realized that its a cultural thing. We have a lot of opportunities, thus we can be driven because everything is possible for us (except maybe finding a job right now!). They dont necessarily have all the advantages we have. i hate that they talk so badly about my country when I see all the benefits i got from it. Maybe they talk so badly because really they are jealous that they dont have what we have. For this case, i am very sensitive when we talk about that subject. I did tell them the other day that I was jealous that they were learning English and would be fluent in two languages as that is something we take for granted in the US. "oh everyone speaks english so i dont need to learn another language" they will be one step ahead of me, in that they can communicate with more people. They were pretty surprised about that. I am pretty happy i dont have to learn English b/c i think its a pretty difficult language.

Lastly, something else i wanted to touch on. Money. For the first time in my life i'm not worried about spending money, i am not thinking about every penny and how i cant go out with someone b/c i dont have the money. i never really wanted to be the person who had lots of it, but I definitely see the perks to having money. It really does change your experience. When i first came and was very concerned with saving, i didnt go out with the otehr teachers becasue it cost money, and thus lost out on some friendships. I was really lucky in the US to have people in the same financial setting as i was, but now i think about how my experience would change if i wasnt worried about shelling out a few extra dollars. It scares me to go back knowing i dont have a job and I'll find myself right back in the old position.."should i go out tonight? what about next month when i dont have a paycheck coming in" Life is good right now. and in one month it is about to change again, and I dont know how I feel about that.

Jealousy and protection

There may have been many posts on this topic but lately I've been experiencing the wrath of Turkish jealousy more and more. It is altogether facinating, annoying, comical, and a little pathetic. I do surround myself in a web of people if i'm feeling at all uncomfortable. The turks really want to "protect" those they love. When i have a problem, I can easily tell any of my students and they will freak out " what, who, where!" I think its nice to get their response but sometimes it a bit annoyiing, Christy you must be careful. I am not an idiot, i have lived in cities, and to be honest i think those cities have been more dangerous than turkish ones. HOwever, they think everything is dangerous. As i get to know the jealous turk more and more, i realize that their form of protection is against the jealous turk not the random mugger. My male students will ask me about my weekends plans. "Did you have a drink with a boy?, yes,teacher I am jealous" Ok, thanks for telling me that, its not going to change my plans from hanging out with other teachers! "teacher i can be your turkish teacher, no thanks I have a pretty good one, 'i am jealous'" Sometimes its cute but sometimes I think they have no right to tell me what i do, who i'm with, and to be super worried about me, but its just their culture.

We were at the islands together. I was climbing on some rocks (big rocks mind you) and they FREAKED OUT. Teacher noooooooo that is dangerous! i was standing near a ledge about 4 people grabbed me. Teacher this is too close. I wondered where their sense of excitement and curiousity was. Yes, I know sometimes i do pretty daring things, but this was me being very cautious. It amazes me how (for me) unexciting thier lives are, they dont do anything. Or cant do anything. ONe of the teachers and i have been talking about that lately. Our students who have to go straight home after class, and they are older than me. Its frustrating. Its frustrating that they dont have fun travel stories like I do. Its frustrating to have them judge me for staying in a 20lira hostel when they think i should stay in an expensive place becasue it might not be safe. hello, i save money this way, i'm smart i lock my things, AND i meet new people, hear new stories, learn about new cultures. Sometimes its frustrating to know how lucky I am and what they are missing out.

classic culture

I realized yesterday how little time I have left in Istanbul. A few months ago i thought my countdown wasnt enough, now I feel guilty for not packing my day full of activities and most importanly cups of tea, and great turkish cuisine. One thing that has been noticed in all my travels as well as commented on by many other travelers is the lack of food culture in the US. I think only little bit of "food culture" we have backyard barbeque, which is something I really miss. However, we dont have the tea coffee culture. they have special cups, speacial customs, Everyone participates, There are no orders like " one coffee hold the milk, add the sugar but not too much sugar, shake it three times, then i will enjoy" It's simple, tea, bitti, fishined finito. Food orders can not be changed, and we accept that. "You want more mushrooms? IMPOSSIBLE" I understand how people change the dish to make it more delicious for themselves, but its also kind of rude I think. I like the long dinners, the many courses, the everyone has a fork and you all eat out of one bowl, SOmething the germ concious Americans would never do. What is funny is that, we are germ concious in that no one will share a drink, yet here they are germ conscious as in "teacher you must not sit on that cement! You must not sit on the grass!!" It entertaining really, their deserts arent as sweet but still delicious, I was excited to eat lots of cakes and actually lose weight. Fun fact, my turkish teacher brought me a cake his grandmother made for me. It was delicious, He said he likes to do things like that for people that dont have the luxuary of grandma cooks. I love that. Its like in college in America.

ages

Well I know its been ages since I've been updating, but that should be a good sign right? I have found other things to do than dwell on the fact that I'm in a foreign culture scouring every coversation for something to think about. Now I feel like I've come to a point where the outrageous things I notice or experience arent much of a shock anymore. Yes, they still annoy me. Everytime I walk to work and someone intentionally runs into me, I think "I cant wait to leave this place, but then something happens which reminds me that they are people too, I probably have little cultural quirks that bug them also. Although I think being polite shouldnt be something that is difficult to adapt, but who am I to say....

I went to Bodrum last weekend for a mini holiday, It was great.I got away to a beach town but oddly felt at home because I could communicate and it was like a smaller version of Istanbul. I enjoyed relaxing and having nothing to do. I knew that had i been in Istanbul I would not have gotten the relaxation that the distance of Bodrum gave me. there is somethign about being away from a computer and being away from the everyday routines that provided me with a sense of freedom.

I think my last two months will fly by. I am planning my post Istanbul travels and its a little stressful. I love that I'm living in the middle of the world and virtually any destination is a possibility.

great talks

Last week I was ready to pack my bags and get out of Turkey, I had a countdown and couldnt believe how far away two months seemed to be. As usual my homesickness turned around b/c of some good times with my students and friends. I was getting very frusted with the closeminded, uneducated turks that I seemed to be interacting with. However this weekend, I had a long, really good conversation about many controversial topics with my class. they presented facts and reasons for doing things in their culture. I gave many examples about "what my students told me" and finally one girl was like," well christy those are english time students. we arent all like that." I needed to hear that. I know many times turkish people say things to me just to see if they can get a rise out of me. Most of the time now, i tell them I am not going to comment on their statement but thank you for your opinion. In this situation I coulc calmly express what I would do in the situation and what i've heard they would do in a situation and we could have a civil intellectual conversation. it was awesome. We talked a lot about the role of men and women in relationships, prostitution, treatement of men/women. Marriage, views of sex. problems in society. etc. They just kept going, It was amazing, I had a med student in class who would bring up the medical points to al of these issues. And it was a male dominated class but the one female is a very outspoken one. It was facinating to hear their views on the issues and thier experience with said topics. I was frustrated with turkey b/c i felt like everyone was the same. I couldnt have really great conversations without something offensive being said. They totally changed my mind and made me feel a lot better about things. I also had a class that wasnt coming one day so before i went home i went up to the canteen to see where my one student was.I saw a group of students from a different class and sat and talked with them. Instead of going home, i spent 2 hours in conversation with them, which also was really great. they were very appreciative of my time, THey said"you could have gone home but you stayed and practiced english with us?? that is amazing" THey had no idea that i was actually still getting paid but that didnt matter. It is nice to be appreciated.

It's learning about culture that I will really miss. I am still learning which is why i still really enjoy being here. It will be hard to leave in less than two months...

Plans plans plans

This week my mind has been buzzing with my options of where to go. I had these extravagant plans made and realized I dont really have as much time as these would take. I said i had two weeks and i was naming like 5 cities and Bettinga kept saying christy you only have two weeks. Then I realized that i only have a little over one week. This is getting more difficult but also easier b/c i wont have to travel so much on my own. I think i'll end up in italy for some of it so i can see friend and do something with them. My origninal goal for the year was to get to two new countries. However, I may only hit one. I am kinda bummed about that, we will see how my end travel plans end up. I also think to discover a new country (for me) it is easier and more interesting to do it with someone else. For that reason I dont think i'm that upset.

I booked a trip to Bodrum for May 1st, A beautiful beach town where it seems most of turkey spends their summer. I have a travel buddy! Kim who has the same days off as me and I are going together. I'm pretty excited for some beach laying.

Aside from travel plans, I'm looking forward to going home. From today I have two months left on my contract (the 21 and 22 are my days off so i think i'll be done with my contract early) That is pretty exciting. I subbed for a class yesterday and when I was talking with them, they stopped and said "Christy we enjoy you here b/c you speak very clearly and slowing." then they proceeded to thank me profusing for coming in. that was really nice, I will miss that about turkish students. I enjoyed going into that class to see how other teachers do things. I got some new ideas, and i was very jealous b/c it seems like her class is more well behaved, something I'm trying to work on for my classes. I dont understand why all of my classes, speak loads of turkish in class, and other teachers seem to not have a problem with it. That is my only frustration with my classes right now.

bilmiyorum

Everytime I try to post on here, I get as far as "title" then either get sidetracked or realize I have nothing to post about. Normally, I don't even get that far because my internet is so unreliable that I normally can even access it. The title "bilmiyorum" means I don't know. Story of my life right? Lately I've been working really hard not to let future plans dictate how I live my life now. During my turkish lesson yesterday, my teacher was having me practice using future tense and asked me about what I'm doing this summer. I looked at him, and said "bilmiyorum" He laughed and said "you are finally Turkish" We turks never know what is going to happen in the future, we live life day to day. We don't plan ahead." I was relieved that he didnt think low of me because I had no plans like most people in the US would, but it didnt make me feel any better. I told him I was a planner and this was driving me crazy.

I've been doing pretty good at not getting stressed out about it, but now I started realizing that many of my friends dont have jobs in the US, or are barely makeing it from paycheck to paycheck. They are very bright people, why can't they get jobs. I think about everyone going throught the same thing I am. I always seem underqualified for every job posting yet, I know I'm way more qualified than lots of people. I think what scares me is I dont know if its something I would want to do. I look at one city, it looks ok, but then i ask myself, is that where i'm suppose to be? Sometimes I wish God would just write me a letter or something and say "Hey Christy, go here" And i would say ok God, thanks for the letter, I would be happy to go there, Life isn't that easy, but I can't really imagine what life must be like for those who don't have faith. I at least trust that God will open a door for me, I've been pretty lucky with that throughout my life, but what about those who dont have the trust that I have? How do they do it?

I was pretty sure that my teaching stunt was not going to be a permanent career, I'm just not that passionate about it. It has been fun, and I could continue for a bit, but its nothing to crazy awesome (maybe that would just be my lack of resources at my office) However, last week on two seperate occassions I had students pull me aside and say 1.) "Christy I've been to 5 different language schools and never found one i liked, but I like it here. (I asked why) He said, I actually learn from you, it all makes sense now, and I'm not nervous to talk and make mistakes in front of you. You make learning fun" Then number 2)(high school student) "Christy I took exams last week and I got ___ on my English test. Christy, i've never done that well on an exam before, I was so happy. I am so happy that you are my teacher, I have learned a lot from you.I dont learn anything from my other English teachers. Thank you"

I guess I am making an impact. That makes me feel a lot better about what I'm doing. Sometimes we just feel like entertainers at our job because if we dont do that, the students hate us, and we get in trouble. Most of the job is entertaining, which luckily I'm pretty good at, i was afraid that I was useless as a teacher but I've seen improvement which makes a big difference.

This doesn't make me feel any better about my future, but I do know that I'm changing lives and that I can live with for now.

lifestyles

I've heard a lot of stories the last week that have had my mind a turning. Most out of respect, will not be referenced. I did have a big blog planned. Thoughts have been going through my mind like crazy lately, but nothing seems important enough to write right now. I have 3 months left. I am getting ready to go home. I need people around me that understand me and love me for the way I think and act. I have started hanging out with the teacher group that I so badly didnt want to be associated with at the being of my time here. However, i realized that maybe, there is a reason they all stick together. There are a lot of messed up people out there, there are alot of beliefs out there that are just plain wrong. I love the need to tell me how horrible America is, daily, but yet wear clothes that come from America and have a Coca Cola in your hand. Does that seem fair to you? Tell me how much you hate my country yet, cherish the products that come from it? I once had that same hatred for America, i think thats why I wanted out so badly. Now i'm seeing that despite how bad America can be, no one is perfect. America has for the most part been really good to me. I have advantages that others don't have. I think the teachers that have been doing this for awhile realize that "having all turkish friends" kinda sucks. I think that's what Bettina hinted at too when i first moved here. the majority of her friends were international.

I think the view of relationships, whether that be friends or more than friends is very scewed, although I love learning about it, really frustrates me.

Maybe i'll come back to touch on all the other things that have been on my mind, but right now my computer is going to die so I need to go find a power source.

Manners

A month or two ago I went to meet the friend I stayed with when I first got here, He was seeing his friend who has been studying in America and thought I would enjoy meeting him too. I remember askign him about differences good and bad in the US. One thing that he said fairly early on was how polite people in America are. I sat for a minute a little dumbfounded, then realized how true he was. All the examples of lack of manners in Turkey were flashing through my head at this point. Today in particular that discussion came to mind. I went for a walk because it is a beautiful day and I don't have class until night. I was walking through the park near my house. It was pretty desolate, I brought a book and thought I would read outside for a bit. I pick a nice spot. (there were at least 20 benches to choose from in this area, as i was the only one around) about one minute after I sat down a lady made a comment about the sun and from my understanding I believe she was asking to share the bench. Ok i think, then it was odd to me, there are literally 20 benches, why was mine special. No problem. maybe i could practice my turkish with her eventually. Promptly as she sits down she pulls out her phone and starts yelling on it. Very difficult to read when there is turkish yellign on on next to me. Ok maybe this will be a short conversation, i mean really, who sits down on the ONLY occupied bench in the park where a person is reading and then proceeds to make loud obnoxious phone calls. Nope i sat there for like 5 minutes making it through about 2 pages of my book and decide to leave. As i walk away I hit the next bench and already there the yellign is quiet, at least quiet enough to read. REALLY WHY DISTURB ME?!!?

That was one example, another one, in my class my students phones ring all the time, (there is no such thing as putting your phone on silent of vibrate in this country) I'm used to that by now, but what amazes me is that some students ANSWER their phones in my class and proceed to have a conversation while I'm teaching. really, take it outside.

Another example: shopping, normally when you are going to pay for something you go to the back of the line and wait your turn. THere has been countless situtions where I'm about to pay and a girl walks up throws her stuff on teh counter and holds out money, clearing no caring that there is such thing as a line, or heaven forbid some sort of order. Now this practice is framiliar to me as I think we do it in America. Bars. If the bar is crowded, you know that first you send up the prettiest looking girl (if its a male bartender) you push your way no matter who is waiting, you shove your money - defintely big bills as they think they will get a big tip then in their face and wait to get drinks for the group.

Somethings are starting to bug me. I love this city and country, but I'm tired of being the foreigner, getting ripped off all the time, saying two words in turkish and all of sudden they are impressed, but still try to rip me off. Still loving life here regardless of the frustrations cause lets be honest these come with every country, every city and every nationality. Its apart of adjusting.

Sitcom influenced discussions.

I have really enjoyed teaching higher levels lately because we can have some really interesting discussions. My favorite is my morning class on the weekends (yeah I'm really lucky to have a good class when you have to work saturday and sunday morning!). I try to do about 1.5 to 2 hours of speaking or speaking related activities in our 4 hour class. At this level thats what they need most. It was the last hour of my saturday class, and I asked one of the teachers to give me a topic to talk about. One said to talk about lying and a world without lies, why we lie, who we lie to etc.

Part way through my conversation i realized we talked about this a little last week so I had better switch it around. And somehow we got to telling lies to loved ones, which then led to what is love. Wow, that was a shocking conversation. Basically what it came to was "christy, there are two types of girls. Ones that we can marry and ones for entertainment." I asked if they had both at the same time. Many responded yes, some responded, no b/c of our religion.
I also asked, could you marry someone you werent attracted too. One said, "well yes, if you are married to someone, its very important that your personalities match, not so much physical attraction. But I couldnt date someone who i wasnt attracted to, you date the attractive ones." Now I was confused and getting excited cause i knew i had a good topic brewing. Many started arguing this point but mostly all came to the same conclusion. So then I asked. Why do you date? Whats the point. "we are bored, we want something to do." Doesnt it lead to marriage? "No, christy, maybe sometimes, if you are dating for many years, then you get married, you just decide, ok we will get married" I had one boy tell me, that he doesnt believe in love becasue girls always change their mind after two weeks. I said TWO WEEKS... that isnt love. Yes christy is it, he says. They just decided they dont want to date you anymore. There cant be anything as real true love, now at this time many other students were chiming in.. and basically stating that if you date someone you are in love. He said everyone eventually breaks up, now that one surprised me as this was coming from a pretty muslim viewed student. Really? cause I dont hear about the divorce rate among muslims to be pretty high. I even asked the lawyers that were in the class to confirm this for me. Then he asks me do you know anyone in love. I said yes. He says" oh thats not love. they'll just break up sometime" I smiled and said, well I dont think so, because i think they have a different kind of love then what you are talking about.

I probably have forgotten a few other surprising viewpoints, and probably could have dug deeper but class ended.

Side note, while I was asking the teacher for speaking topics we were talking about how Turks LOVE the tv show "how i met your mother" and "Sparticus" Discussions always comeback to something that happend in how i met your mother, and in that love discussion, when I said "isnt the point of dating to get married?" One girl answered "christy, its like Ted in How i Met your Mother, he is always trying to marry a girl." At that moment I burst out laughing, apologized and told her i was laughing cause we were just talking in the teachers room about that show, and how it comes up in every discussion. then the next day it came up in my discussion again!

The next day we had a discussion about swearing. Despite all the interesting views of the Turks, there is a sacredness of women that I really value. Yes maybe some call it oppression here, but in many respects I really enjoy it. For example, men have a lot better language around women, there are many things they wont say. I asked them why that was, and about 3 boys said "becasue women are beautiful, and they dont need to hear that"
Women dont play sports, yes they exercise, they can play volleyball and tennis, but not other sports. It takes away their feminity I think. One thing I hate is the competition that men give women in America. "you cant do that you are a woman, I'm better than you because I'm a man." They take away our feminity in America because they constantly degrade us.(yes i know a lot of people fight for that equality also...just to recognize the otherside of the issue) I think I was a tom boy growing up because I wanted to be accepted so badly. Up until I left i was always doing things that would probably shock people here because women don't do that. I think my sarcasm was really strong when I was in America, because it helped me be tough, I didn't want to be walked all over, that was a sign of weakness. Weakness is something not tolerated in America. Men call women fat here, and it doesnt bother them. Men don't call women fat in America, yet its going through every womans mind "does he think i'm fat, does she?" We have a problem with self image and self esteem, My students wouldn't believe me when I was explaining those taboo's to them.

Interesting.

I've learned a lot, tomorrow is three months away from the end of my contract, and I think I still have a lot to learn about myself, and who and what I want to be, I do think God broght me here to learn these things so far.

skyscrapers

For some reason lately I've really been missing the feeling of walking next to and along skyscrapers. Maybe its the feeling of something bigger taking control, or knowing that I'm so small in a world that is so big and magnificient, but anyways, I missed it. Istanbul does have skyscrapers, dont you worry (a city of 20 million would be next to impossible to function without some sort of corporate structure) Knowing this I took the metro on my day off to this area and walked around, It made me feel a little better, but the problem with thier skyscrapers is that they are very spread out. There is like one per block. So i barely got the feeling of being small.

The weather has been beautiful here, I would love to only wear a tank top but all the Turks are wearing winter jackets still. How weird am I to think this weather is hot?

On my second day off I decided I wanted to take a long walk, I went to where one of my students works b/c she has been upset with me for not visiting. I found her shop with no problems and she was very excited to see me. We talked, she showed me around, she took me to all of her friends stores. Showered me with gifts that I dont need (minus the sunglasses which I was going to buy that day anyways) bought me lunch, her boss offered me a job and couldnt understand why I didnt want to work on my days off from teaching "but christy, its not "work" here, you can relax and talk to people. Me"but i have to wake up and come, i'm not here to work myself to death"
I do like the Turkish work style. She was able to just leave for a couple hours to walk me around. That is something that would NEVER happen in America, you would either be fired, docked pay, or reprimanded, for just leaving for a few hours.
My student then paid for my bus on our way home, something that i've noticed is common, she was mad that I would suggest paying. Why is our culture so different. Everyone fend for themselves, no treating of guests differently. This is something I really admire about the turks, not only b/c i love being treated like a princess, but because I really agree with it. It has been very difficult for me to understand and to accept but to get used to. Another thing I am very jealous of and have talked to many Ex pats about, is tea culture. Everywhere you go, you sit and enjoy a tea with someone, no problem. You dont want a tea? oh thats almost not accepted, want to talk? have a tea. want to shop? have a tea. want to catch up ? lets have a tea. busy? lets have a tea. Its good. Needless to say after that crazy day, skyscrapers felt distant. I think this city / culture is amazing. I will eventually get my fill of skyscrapers, It can wait 3.5 more months.

Şanslı

Şanslı means Luck, My students love to tell me that when I win at foosball its only because today "teacher you are lucky," Yesterday I came across an article that said American clothing appearal stores were taking over a very popular shopping street in France. American stores, were running a France street? Isn't France known for its fashion? I began to think about other things that have originated in America. The whole movie industry, a large part of the music industry. Then i thought of all the products I see and their origin, America, America, America. We have it all. If we have it all, why did I leave thinking there was nothing for me? I am one step ahead of everyone else in the world, "American citizenship" I realized early on this year, that I was privildged to have English as my native language. But now I realized not only do I speak the language but I have all the major companies in the world in my country, near my family, in a society where I understand how to get things done. I am lucky. I literally can do anything, The American Dream. Sometimes I think that it doesnt exist, but then i think about times like now, where I realized, we have everything, and I left thinking I had nothing. I am lucky.

snow!

It is snowing! Yesterday when we were on our way home from Canakkle we saw snow on the ground and I was thinking "of course it finally snows while i'm on the bus and cant enjoy it, Luckily it is snowing here today and I am in front of my window watching it as i type this. My roommate also told me to call my work before I go in b/c most likely they will cancel school. It isnt even sticking, but she didnt go into work today so its probably legit!

My trip to Canakkle can be summed up in one word: cold. It was like home. I finally got winter. We almost missed our 6 hour bus ride but made it with 4 minutes to spare. we got to our hotel, one of the guys got a hair cut, we had a nice long dinner, then we were going to watch the movie "troy" but all feel asleep by 9. The next morning we got up enjoyed a wonderful turkish breakfast (probably my most favorite thing about turkey)and headed to catch a dolmus to troia (troy- dolmus= minibus) the wind was so terrible i literally almost fell over a few times. We kind of rushed throught the sites as we were too cold, and didnt know a whole lot about what we were looking at. We got the 12 bus back to canakkle and got lunch, we missed our next bus to Istanbul and took the 3 oclock one. We saw a lot of snow on our way home and by a lot i mean a quarter of an inch. There was a man who had a gun on his hip that sat 2 rows ahead of us. We decided to not annoy him. We were in the last row of the bus, The bus had satellite tv and I watched New Moon in turkish, since i know that movie so well and my knowledge of turkish, I understood it pretty well. then we watched music videos. All teh favorites of the turks. 4 destiny's child songs, 3 enrique igleses. 6 Jennifer lopez. 4 Mariah carey, Marc antony. and a few turkish songs intermixed along the way.

We met a young turk that sat by us and he had the same shuttle as me on the way home so we talked. Hes a captain on a big ship and travels the world. We had some really interesting dicussions about culture and corruption and politics. It was nice to have that talk, he was very level headed and knowledgable. Then i hit my stop and walked home. Over all not a bad trip i can say i've been to troy now!

today it is snowing, it is the same temperature as it is in Minneapolis. Apparently the whole city will shut down. Bettina came and told me to call my work before i went in b/c she assumed it would be canelled. (its flurries) She wasnt going into work. At breakfast bulent said all public schools were cancelled. They looked at me and said"this is probably a joke to you huh" Yep, i reply amazing.

I think everyday I go back an forth with my plans for next year. Seeing the snow today and reading the Star trib made me miss minneapolis and the way people care about the enviroment. I get so annoyed that recycling is unheard of here. I talked about donating blood in one of my classes the day and they were appalled that I would do such a thing. I miss the feeling of giving back. Maybe here that is handled in a different way that I have not experienced yet, but i miss knowing that I can do something to change the world. Something as simple as biking instead of using a car. I did decide that if I am going to stay in Minneapolis (or any city) next year, I am buying a nice bike with my bonus.

old update

When I couldnt log onto my blog this is something I wrote a week ago...

My head teacher told me I was most likely going to continue teaching my weekend girls which meant I would have the perfect schedule. Today I get an email. I am not teaching them, nor do I have another weekend class. I am still down on hours. What the heck English Time. I like my job “the job” I don’t like the things surrounding it. I have been thinking if I were to come back, could I come back solely for the students? If I had a different job would I lose the amazing students I have? Yes they frustrate me sometimes but who doesn’t get frustrated with their job. Can I handle the drama of English time longer? The frustrating hours. What if I were in a different work situation, how would my life be different? I always seem to not do things a second time b/c of the fear of them not working out as good as they did the first time. Tonight at dinner Bulent was asking me what I would do back in America, I told him I didn’t know. I had absolutely no idea. He then said, well you have a good job here, why not stay. I have a good job here, but is it continuing to fulfill my goals. I have thought on many occasions that I am ready to settle, but where.

I hate the feeling of uncertainty, but this time I’m not as worked up as I normally am. I know that God is making decisions. He led me here. He has led me through all my adventures. I guess come July I’ll have a better idea of what I want.

On a completely different note, I figured out how to change my keyboard to a Turkish keyboard. I am suddenly really ambitious to continue learning Turkish. Now I can type! It is very weird, and difficult but I’m up to the challenge, that is my next goal tonight…

I’ve been denied Blogging again, I think I am doing something wrong. Today’s events: I finished my first grammar block of level 4. I have no idea how I did it, thank goodness it seemed the other teacher did a good job with them. I asked my head teacher today why I didn’t get to continue teaching my weekend class. She said the new teachers needed hours. And that I’ll start a new class next week. I said. Well … I need hours too, why are they more privileged than I am. She said they were at 16 hours, you are at 20. 4 HOURS. My Students signed a petition to have me again. She said “we tried to talk to head office, they think this is better” How is this better. Lets annoy the teachers that have been here awhile. Lets not give them what they want. Ohm lets take away their collective bargaining rights. Wait, that’s America, something that I’ve been reading about and remembering more and more why I left. Why I cant stand the attitudes of Americans. But I realized I am American I think like that, I think I am right and that is the only thing that matters.

I know that I’ll start a new class that is just as good as my old class, I know this b/c for the most part I’ve had a really good experience teaching so far. But no one ever wants to leave a good thing. I know to stay positive, that is one thing I learned here. Stay positive and life will be a lot better. Expect things to be crappy, and life will be ok. Expect the worse, because it will happen, and then its not a surprise.

Key to success at English Time: expect the unexpected and prepare for it, because its going to happen.

I prepared a worksheet for my students today because they wanted extra practice. I came in early to make sure I could get it printed for them. Oh right the printer doesn’t work. They got to hand write all my examples. Expect the unexpected, and you will be ok.

4 months

Exactly 4 months from today I will be stepping onto American soil again. Is that far away or is that too soon? I have been gone for 6 months and I rarely notice it. When living in America I realized I rarely go home in intervals longer than 2 months, here it has been six. Yeah there are many days were I think, wow it would be nice to take a break and see my family, but over all it hasn’t been that bad. What will that say about my last four months? One that it will fly by and two that it just rubs in my face that I have no idea what I want to do in the future. Yesterday was the first day where I could actually imagine myself back in America, however I was just still as frustrated and confused about my future in America as I am here in Turkey. I realized I’ve learned a lot these last 6 months. But I think there is still a lot of learning to do in the next 4. I think teaching in the school I’m at has taught me a lot and gave me some very attractive qualities for future employment, if only I can relay the importance and benefits of these new characteristics.

My blog currently wont load. The message that comes up says “this site has been blocked by court order” At first I thought it was a stupid government thing like blocking you tube, but now I started to think about the unrest in Egypt when they blocked the internet. The rest of the internet works for me. I’ll keep trying, it definitely worked yesterday, maybe it’s a fluke.

So I found out that Turkey did indeed block blogger, but since this is a regular occurance with popular websites a friend showed me how to get around it. Dad since I know reading this is one of your favorite pasttimes, you can rest easy knowing that I've beat the system for now at least.

Throughout all this blogger drama I went to the market two doors down and bought veggies. I realized that all the food I bought can easily last through probably 4 meals, and I spent 5 lira. How amazing is this! I didnt even go to teh Sunday market where fruits and vegetables are even cheaper.

My private student at ING bank ended yesterday, we didnt really even talk about anything I had planned. We talked about current events, I found out that this is his favorite type of lesson, as when he brought it up to me, he said that everytime he reads about Tunisia and Egypt he thinks about our current event discussions. i think that is pretty cool. I am a little bittersweet about ending it. It was nice having an intellectual discussion once a week, but it was also annoying to have that hour long communte for an hour and a half lesson.

It has been rainy and cold here. I have another free day today, and i should really go do something,I enjoy lazy mornings though. I think by 2 i'll finally get out, I have to mail some letters and hopefully have an idea of where i want to go for the day.

ask gun

Love day, as my title states. I was going to write Valentines day but I forgot how to spell it and since my internet is working rather slowly I decided to rename it. Celebrating the day of Love in another country was rather anti- climatic. I think I got the same questions I would have gotten in America, But Christy why dont you have a boyfriend? Dont you like turkish men? Ah yes, i answer them,I love turkish men however, havent found one good enough for me yet. But why Christy?
Where do I begin.
Instead lets just change the topic. On Thursday Mike came over and we talked with my roommates all night. We opened the nice italian wine Kristie bought us , and let me tell you, each one of us tasted a nice difference when we had some real italian wine again, I do miss that!

Our discussion that night turned into true love, do you believe it in. It was funny to see the reaction when Mike asked Betting and Bulent if they believed in true love, It was even cooler to describe and defend love and finding it and how to find it. It was also interesting to try and follow this discussion in Turkish. True love, Unlike Mike, i believe in it. I just don't see how you can't,maybe there is a certain religious factor that I have in my mind, but i'm pretty sure both bettina and bulent dont. (they obviously have the real thing)
It frustrates me that true love is something so materialized by movies. As this week of love was approaching I was thinking about love and cute things, and I realized my idea of love was very much due to movies, All the cute scenarios i thought of were from a movie, HOw real is that, Is that why so many marriages are ending in divorace , because we have this preconcieved notion of how love is suppose to be? Its suppose to be that fairy tale drama? I dont think so. thankfully I've had enough people around me not in movies who love each other that have guided my thoughts in a different direction.

It's the morning I'm a morning person. I'm drinking coffee so obviously my post is going to be all over the place as this is primetime for my thinking. I'm going to completely abandon that topic and start a new one.

I got a lot of emails from people back home this week. Each one put a smile across my face, then however, they collectively made me really sad. I missed home, I missed being around those who make me laugh and inspire me. I started thinking about my last four months here, they seem pretty short, and I'm sure they will fly by. thanksfully in my bit of homesickness, istanbul did it again and made me fall in love with this city again, so I'm fine now :)
But back to my thoughts on home. I am very proud of my friends in Minneapolis or i guess my friends from Minneapolis. They are passionate and driven. They have hearts that are full of caring for others and making the world a better place. Despite the economic woes, they are pushing through finding new things and keeping themselves occupied. I am impressed. They are all very much the same people I left, and the ones it was difficult to leave b/c i knew that I had a great friend base. I was thinking this morning about returning to Minneapolis, yes it would be great. No I dont miss the winters, Yes I do miss the atmosphere. But one thing has kept returning in my mind. I wanted out of Minneapolis. I wanted out bad. Why did I want out, I wasnt happy, something was missing. I know I still havent found whatever I was looking for here, but it also scares me to put myself back in the situation where most likely I'll return back to my old lifestyle. It wasnt a bad lifestyle by any means but I hav eto think about why I left. I was in search of something. I think I've grown a lot this year. I dont want to see myself slip back and forget what I've gone through, even though i dont think its possible b/c my friends in Minneapolis were the ones who got me to do this in the first place.

Everyday I'm asked, When are you leaving? then what are you doing? When will I ever know what I'm doing and where I'm going where that question doesnt scare me anymore. I think that question has been asked since highschool...isnt about 7 years of complete unknowning long enough?

tembel

Tembel means lazy in Turish. I feel lazy, I had a really long, really good weekend then despite my complete utter exhaustion last night I still couldnt fall asleep. I think I had too much on my mind. Conversation barriers/ cultural barriers have been bugging me lately.I keep thinking that things I say and do translate differently here, they are what I want them to be or what I think they are to be. I like the culture here, but I still havent figured it out. I can't always help but think that I'm doing someting offensive, or its my turn to do something. I just wish i knew a little bit better how things worked. THere should be a handbook.

My morning class finished. Mary ended with them on a good note. I had two great days with them then had thier test on friday which ended badly in my mind. They all did fairly well, I think i graded their speaking fairly easily. I liked this class b/c they had great personalities but as a teacher it was really stressful. I wished them all the best with the next few levels. I think they will be able to learn better from new teachers.

Kristie came to visit and we had a great weekend. It was nice to have a female companion to talk to. We did very different things everynight. She met all my classes, they loved her. They asked her to come back and teach here. It was nice to sare cultural experiences with her. We talked about how when we first met, we were like "wow, we are different people, i have a feeling this will be a very interesting month" both of us expecting not to be friends but something brought us together. Its probably the name. She had the opportunity to go home for Christmas and was telling me how she is not ready to go back to America. I told her the same thing. i do miss people and some small things in America, but i'm not ready to go back. And from my understanding, there isnt much for me to go back to. Still the majority of my friends are unemployed, they seem semi happy, but mostly confused about life. I remember being there and be really depressed. I dont know if I could do that to myself. But what is my next step. Everything is temporary. I have nothing longterm in my life, well i guess my family. I have realized once again what friends are going to be there for you and what ones are temporary, need you when you can be there for them, friends. Sometimes it surprises me who falls into which category. Knowing that makes it even more difficult to come back to America. I dont where or what to do with myself, I have realized that based on who I surround myself with, I make different decisions and am also englightened in different ways. I am very fortunate to have had a group of friends last year that pushed me to move abroad as much as they didnt want to see me go. They even helped me research and walked me through the process. That was great. When everyone is in that same position its interesting to see their genuine care about seeing me explore and grow. I think that is it for now. I need to practice turkish as I skipped out on half my lesson yesterday due to utter exhaustion.

espana notte

I think i combined Spanish and Italian in that title but, they understand each other so who cares:)

Yesterday was interesting. I had my lovely morning class. They had an exam which they obviously cheated through. They are frustrating for a teacher. I wouldnt even mind cheating if they did it unnoticably( i think cheating is just a common lifestyle here, acutally it was in my welcome packet.)
Best line yet, one of my better students comes up to me after the exam and says "christy i did not copy" I smiled and said ok, thanks, She said " they asked me for the answers and i told them, but i did not copy" I laughed and said. LEYLA! that is cheating. She says " but no teacher, they(the other students) leyla is the smartest in the class (we were learning superlatives so i was happy she used this) so they asked me for the answers, and i told them. I couldnt wrap my head around why she was telling me this and why she didnt think that was cheating. At least she did "her own test" Maybe i should grade everyones tests with hers as the key!

After the test two of the girls took me to get manti which is like the turkish ravioli. They had been promising me this since i started at English time, since i was their level one teacher too. It was delicious.

I came home with a massive headache starting, I thought maybe it was from the cold i've been fighting for the past week. It just kept getting worse and worse, then I went to work, At some points I could barely see straight and i had to teach for 4 hours. Luckily, my conversation class was very talkitive so that was easy, then I was talking to mike before my night class and he said he wuold grade out tests and take my register for me so i could leave right after the test cause i looked miserable. I reviewed with my students who when given the task of writing a few practice sentences i got "My teacher has a headache. My teacher has a fever. My teacher doesnt look very good" Hahah They took their test very quietly, but took forever, I ended up only leaving 10 minutes early. At this point my vision was blurry at some points and was pretty bummed b/c we were having a big spanish night at our house and i felt like going ot bed. I came home and ate some of the leftovers, very good, and magically my headache lessoned. Which is weird cause i ate the same amount of food i normally eat, it couldnt ahve been that! But i felt well enough to hang out, which ended up being really great. The instruments came back out, and we had a great musical session, once again. This time we had two guitars, Bulent had me play somethign... anything and he made harmony to it. it was really beautiful. It was also really nice b/c i was nervous to play infront of a lot of people, so bettina started conversation so I wouldnt feel so weird, then when i eased up they got quiet. Atmosphere.

Later in the night we got into some political discussion. It started about living in Spain. Then Bulent wanted to know what the teaching conditions were there so maybe i could go there and teach. We reached the conclusion it was better here. but then we started talking about healthcare. And the USA, and the american presidents and people. It was really interesting, hearing first hand from different nationalities about thier healthcare, their take on it, their thoughts on Americans and our politics. It frustrated me how open minded they were about new ideas, what works and what doesnt, When i told them the debate in America they just laughed and were pretty much asking why the american people were idiots. It made me thign about what bugs me about America. I do miss it, but when i think about it, the one thing that really bothered me were peoples attitudes about them "being right" Everyone thinks their way is the only way to be right. Quite often when i would engage in political talks in the US i would keep quiet because i never felt educated enough to make a valid statement. However, I would sit and listen to both sides, and carefully choose what to disagree with if I felt the need to disagree, But if i did disagree i never felt like the same respect was shown to me. Never did they sit and think, hm maybe that could be an option too. It was nope, my way is correct.

I think that is maybe something that goes along with having an opinion, not changing it. But there is no need to get super defensive about it. I think you can find these people everywhere though, not just in america, then American ones just frustrated me the most because i know they are the ones voting in my country.

On a completely different note, I think I had a very interesting Activity (conversation class) yesterday, I was a bit apprehensive since I had a msassive headache and it was suppose to be a level 1-2 speaking hour. I was ready for frustration. However, the ones that showed up were fairly decent speakers. We got onto a very interesting topic which i expected to go in a different direction. Basically one of the questions I asked was "Would you rather be rich and have a lot of "fake" friends or poor with really good friends"
They all admitted before this question taht when you ahve money all your friends are there just for the money which is very true in turkey. When i asked this question, every single one of them said they would rather have money and fake friends. I think they could see the look of surprise on my face becasue then they asked me, I said I didnt think money bought happiness and I would much rather have good friends than a lot of money. And they were like "well christy, what would you do? YOu couldnt afford to go to the movies, etc" I said, well, there are plenty of things one can do without money, I gave some examples, and personal examples of my poor college days and how we found free things to do. they were liek "well that doesnt exist here" I said, sure it does. You just have to look for it, You have to have those good friends that make any situation fun. And they didnt agree with me at all.

Obviously the value of money is different here, as well as the value of friendships, maybe that is why I've had trouble finding real turkish friends, Most of my friends are from different nationalities.

a few good days

Yes my classes and office are still annoying, but despite them, I have had a few good days. Coincidentally they were my days off... mean anything? Probably.
On Monday, I walked to Sultanhamet to look for a birthday present. I enjoyed my long walk by myself, even though it was a bit chilly outside. Then when I came back I made some soup and warmed up. When the roommates came home they said everyone was going downstairs because it was Anya's last night, We went down there and hung out. Luckily the new girl doesnt speak german either so the conversation leaned more towards English. If it was in german for awhile me and her started talking, which was just fine for me. then they brought out a guitar and Bulent got his baglama. We started playing and singing and talking, enjoying a glass of juice and baklava. Over all it was a very peaceful night. I have a cold, which didnt seem to bother me cause i was nice and calm. Then tuesday. I relaxed had some private lessons and when I came home I heard the classical guitar out. i smiled as i took off my jacket. Bettina and Bulent yelled to me, and as soon as I spoke they were like "wow" you dont sound good. Betting jumps up and finds some medice tea stuff (i think its like airborne) and promptly instructs me to take it. Sometimes i need that mom like figure as i was probably just going to attempt tough it out. Appaerntly they were practicing together because they are going to play a concert? I'm not sure b/c Bulent who doesnt speak much english was trying to tell me. But i sat, drank my tea and listened to them play. It was absolutly gorgeous music. It made me realize why grandma loved just listening to my play anything, no matter how good or bad, the peacefulness of listening to music is fabulous. Elena came and joined us later.

Bettina passed me the guitar with instructions that I ought to play b/c she had the capo tonight.(i used that as an excuse a few nights ago) I hate playing in front of others. i feel judged, i mess up, i think everything sounds horrible. But they just keep telling everyone how good i am, and how beautiful the music is that i play. It amazing what kind of atmosphere they set up, because i do feel comfortable playing with them, even though i make a million errors. I even sing! Shocking I know. They made the comment that its in English so i could pretty much sing whatever i wanted and they would hve no idea. That also adds a comfort factor.

Today I went with two of my students to buy the missing guitar sting on the acoustic guitar Bulent gave me. I also bought a capo. I then sat at home all through break and played. It gives me such peace, expecialy after my annoying first class. It also gives me something to do on the cold days.

I think there is a different music culture here that i really enjoy. I have seen and heard a lot of classical guitars. It is beautiful. Its not a bunch of people strumming away, its light, lovely music. It seems that, like in the US everyone has a guitar or knows someone who has a guitar. But there is a different attitude about it here. Not the cocky musicians (well thats not true, there are cocky musicians but, there seems to be a bit more sharing, or less judgement here) that is something I realy appreciate. I dont think i would pick up a guitar in America if I knew someone in the room was better than me. However here, I now bulent and bettina are both better than me, but theya re both so encourageing that it doesnt matter. Wow, I lucked out with housing:)

And on a completely opposite note. I was suppose to go to Egypt next week. That didnt happen. COmpletely lucked out again. Someone is watching over me:) And i dont even need the turkish"evil eye"

I love you

When I was cleaning out my old work bag I found the paper that had "i love you" written on it in 10 languages. In one of my classes we were talking about different languages, we complied everyones linguistic skills and managed to get "I love you" written on the board in 10 different languages. Here they are docuemented so I can throw the paper away:
English: I love you.
Turkish: Seni seviyorum
Italian: Ti amo
Spanish: Te quiero
Greek: Saga po
German: Ich liebe dichi
Azerbajan: Men Seni sevirem
Russian: Ya tibya lublya
Kurdish: Ez heste dkim
French: Jet aime

I think its cool that I have a class that can comply words in 10 different languages. Can we say that about a class in America? I think not.

broken internet post

My internet is broken. I just worked a very long weekend, and I wanted to come home and honor the two skype dates I had tonight. Not going to happen.

I know the last few posts have been pretty negative about my job. Overall it's a good job. I was talking to my two private students today and they were asking about jobs in the US. I came to realize that most of my friends are either jobless or not doing what they love. Arent we suppose to be the land of opportunity? Shouldn't we be able to get the jobs we want?

Then I started to think about Turkish culture. He said something to me, we work but we enjoy life. Do we enjoy life? Or are we "the job"? I have been complaining about the laziness here, and I noticed the same thing in Italy, but are they enjoyiing life? Do they have something we are missing? We spent countless hours worrying about money, jobs, and career, but what about our happiness level?

There is a strong sense of community here in Turkey, there is no pressure to have a job b/c most people are living in a community setting where they share everything. Living in that sense is cheaper. Maybe we are concerned with making money b/c that isnt the case in most American households. However, nowadays many are starting to move back in with families due to economic situation, will we then start to to regain that "family culture" that seems to have been lost in America?

With that "family culture" in mind I was thinking on my way home, Maybe living here wouldnt be so bad if I was in an American work enviroment? I had something that added intellectual challenge to my day, but yet enjoyed the perks of turkish living. I love the night life here, the food, and yes even the music. Then i still think of all the idiots i have encountered lately, Which is better? I dont know. I did come home thinking I liked living here, then realized my internet doesnt work, and how frustrating that is.

common not so common

We have this saying "common sense" however, i'm starting to think that it may not be so common after all. I have had a few frustrating classes lately. I love my students, I do, but the laziness is annyoying. I think there has been a theme to many of my blog entries: laziness. Lack of ambition. moreover, lack of common sense.

Why do you want to learn English? A question seeming pretty easy for most of my students, However not being displayed. "for my career, for my job, so i can get a new job. and finally, to meet girls" At least the last one was being honest. I then asked them how one learns a language. They all had very correct answers, so, do you pay me to speak turkish to you? "no" Do you want me to speak turkish to you? I will, i would love to practice! "no" Will you speak in English during my class? "yes" I want you to learn. I want to help i do, but you have to help me.

That was my second hour of class. They are a level two class. Many of them kept saying "Christy i should be in level 6, level 6 christy" So i asked again who should be in level 6. I gave them an excerpt out of an odessey type reading, and asked them to write me a summary while the other students prepared for their exam the next hour.

That shut them up.

I wish I had money and time to just learn a language. that would be a great life. I understand they are probably burnt out, they are in class for 4 hours everyday, but its not my choice. I try to play games, i try to have fun dialogues. I give major props to teachers, that can continue to inspire and encourage students, day after day, year after year.