planner

I am a planner. I plan my life, granted I've had a lot of "freak out" moments. I've changed my mind on career paths a million times, but I've always ended up somewhere. Right now I have no idea where my life is going, it frustrates me, I like plans, I also like spontaneity, but generally in the right capacity. When you don't know where you are going to sleep the next night-- that bugs me.

I have no doubt that I'll find a job. I'm a solid candidate, I loved teaching, and I was good at it. Thankfully, I have that much going for me. I just dont know when or where. I wish I knew that I just had to travel for a bit and it will all work out. I've made countless pro's and con's lists this past week. They make sense for all of 3 hours, then I go back to second guessing myself.

It's been really great getting to know the people in my program. They all came here for different reasons, they have very different pasts than myself and I've heard some pretty amazing stories. I have found one similarity though. We are all on a quest to find something out about who we are. There are a lot of people who had great things back home but needed to discover something about who they are, I think I can say the same about myself. i loved being in the US, but something was missing, I didnt know what I wanted in my life, and this just seemed to be a logical fix.

I have a bunch of goals for myself for this time in my life. What makes this job search harder is knowing that before I accept anything or move anywhere I have to make sure it's a strategy to help me obtain my goals. I know it sounds selfish, but this is about me. This is my time to figure things out with out the influence of , well, i dont know what influence cause I was always surrounded by great people in the States. But maybe there is a new influence that will help me find what I'm searching for.

A sign

In the last few days reality has set in.. What am i doing with my life? Where am I going? and most importantly Why am I doing what I'm doing, and am I reaching the goals I've set for myself. I thought I had it all figured out, then I was chatting with one of the girls in my class asking questions about applying for jobs and she questioned my motives, the first one to do so, and it really shook me up. She did it in a way that just had me look at my life's options in a new light, rather than condescendly. She ever so nicely asked my why I wasnt planning on staying in Italy, I said I didnt feel like I fit, I havent found a place I want to call home. She reminded me I've only seen big tourist areas, which i realized also. Then she asked why I came here to begin with and that was for the language which i said was a dead end because I've spent so much time trying to learn my own native language. I havent accomplished my goals here, and i'm ready to move on. Is that what I'm suppose to do? Am I copping out, and taking the path that seems easier? I came home confused. I made a pro's and con's list, and I prayed. I figured that if I just applied everywhere God would take care of it right?

I've been struggling with that a lot the last few days and slowly talking myself back in to Istanbul. Then tonight something pretty ridiculous happened. I found a church I wanted to check out. It had its service at 630 at night and all of the sundays so far i've been busy at that time. I hoped that maybe God would help me out through the message or something. I get there, it looks like a crowd of a bunch of study abroad students. they start, the worship is alright. They had an awesome Italian gutiar player who graced us with a song in italian. then they said something about Mark shultz coming to play. The accent was hard to decipher so I figured they meant they were just going to play one of his songs. This guy comes up and starts talking about what he's doing in Florence, and about how he saw this church, came in asked if he could sing a few days ago, and here he was today. He pulls out a keyboard and talks about this song he wrote when he was a youth director. then sure enough he plays one of his songs. I saw the people in front of me exchange the same look of disbelief that was going through my mind. Mark Shultz just happens to come to Florence and ask ot play at this small English speaking church, on the one Sunday I am able to go. Wow, powerful. He led a few worship songs and I think that was my sign from God.

I'm still not one hundred percent on this, but the reason Istanbul got so so much attention from me is that I found a christian church there that seemed pretty awesome. That is one of my personal goals. To learn more about historical happening, and ephesus being so close I think I can accomplish that one. However, Rome definitely has some pull also. This is how i talk myself in circles.

Mostly it changes everyday. I'm a big bag of confusion, but I thought tonight was pretty cool. Now its off to apply to a few jobs, and finish proof reading.

teaching

I've been pretty overwelmed with this course I'm taking. It seemed like my whole life was devoted to lesson planning, grammar, and portfolios. Sadly, i'm sure that any teacher reading this is saying "duh Christy its not as easy as it seems" I can finaly see the end in sight. It is sad that I dont know how well i've done with my one goal " to get to know the culture/people." I do feel better about it though.

Today I had my first one on one actual teaching experience with a student. Our first meeting I created a "needs analysis" to find out her level and today i created a lesson plan. It was great, I walked out with a smile and didnt put myself down for the first time. Normally after each lesson we have we need to talk about "what happened" which generally turns into a work on this and this and this session. Today I realized that I could screw up and the student would still learn. I was still successful no matter what I didnt explain very well. I knew today that I would like teaching, its now a struggle of where and when i'm going to teach.

Lucca lovin

After two weeks of being in Italy, today I finally feel in love with the country. I took a day trip to Lucca which is about an hour and a half away. It was absolutely gorgeous, and a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of the city. There was green! There was space to walk, without being run over by cars! It was more what you see in movies than Florence (in my mind) will ever be. One of my flatmates and I were going crazy with the lack of nature and the massive amounts of tourists we are daily battling, so when we saw the wide open feilds our hearts fluttered a little bit. After wandering around the city walls, we checked out the inner city streets. The cool thing about Lucca is that it preserved its city walls which are now over 2000 years old. There is a path on top of them so you can see both in and out of the city. We sat down for a nice meal, which I personally thing was the best thing i've had since I've been in Italy. We got taken to the garden seating which was under a stone canopy, pretty much like a courtyard. They gave us some breadsticks that were absolutely to die for, then I saw a dish on the menu that I just had to try--for you dad. I choose the polenta, I know it was kinda risky since I dont really like the stuff my Dad makes but since its apparently a pretty italian thing I decided to give "polenta con funghi" a try (polenta with mushrooms) We also ordered some wine and relaxed. The wine was amazing, I guess when you just buy the bottles that are 2 Euro at the grocery store, we have pretty low standards, but this was ACTUAL italian wine. Our meals came and they were amazing, We followed our huge meals up with a nice caffe latte, to energize us for some more wandering.

We ended up laying in a field for a bit just taking in the beauty surrounding us, simply breathtaking. Then wandered and caught the train back. Overall it was very relaxing which is what we needed because the course i'm taking is really intense. I've barely been able to see florence cause each day we are in class, and at night we are trying to study or accomplish all of our homework assignments. This week is going to be really rough, I need to job search on top of it all.

I believe I have my job preferences pretty undercontrol, althought it still does change everyday. I'm really interested in Turkey and maybe a few smaller/coastal cities here. Hopefully this week I'll get some leads.

piu piano

Piu Piano which means slower, can describe my weekend. It describes the perfect weekend. After a week full of rushing to class, rushing to get to stores before they closed, and rushing to just find out where the heck I was going, I needed to go slower. Two of my roommates and a large chunk of my class heading off to Cinque Terre for the weekend which left one of my other roomies and myself to explore and finally see what the city has to offer. Saturday morning I woke up early with hopes of beating the normal hustle and bustle of the city to sneak some pictures. I work up and got out of the house at about 7:30am. The streets were quiet except for the few shop owners outside their stores sweeping and washing their walkways. I wandered and eventually led me to my favorite spot in the city, the river. I crossed over, and walked alongside the river gazing at its beauty and the reflections of the buildings in the water.

I got hungry and really warm so I headed back to my flat, where my roommate was up and ready to start doing touristy things. We set out with a mission, we visited the duomo and climbed teh million stairs to get to the top and have a beautiful view of the city. Then did some shopping and wandering, and ran some errunds. We came back exhausted, took naps then got ready to go out for the night. We had one mission for the night "be available and open" From following this blog you probably realize that I've been frustrated with the amount of Americans around. I told her that we needed to just go someplace, make ourselves look available and friendly and from my experiences something will happen. Well we found out that if that fails then you just casually follow italians until they eventually stop to talk to you. This is also a good way to practice your italian. SInce they didnt speak english very well, i was the translator, I learned that the more I spoke freely- knowing that about every other word i said was pronounced wrong or in the wrong conjugation- they figured it out and we were able to communicate. I also felt more at ease with speaking.

It was interesting to hear them talk about Americans, we would be walking around the city and they would point to a group coming up and were like "look, Americans! i know because they wear short skirts and dress all ridiculous." Then as we approached would hear them speaking loudly and talking about how they wanted to get drunk, Yep hello America!

Sticking with the walking theme, my legs were absolutely DEAD today. I spent most of the doing homework and preparing for the week but I got sick of being inside so I went for a walk. This time, very slowly, looking at every piece of beauty this city has to offer. I took the time to notice each unique doorknocker, each window design, The way the balconies are almost pointless because one person can barely fit on it. Then out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the Duomo poking out behind one of the streets and it really hit me how lucky I am to walk past this piece of beautiful histroy every day, multiple times a day on the way to work. I remember when i was in Rome and walking past the colosseum, and saw all of these businessmen driving past. I thought tomyself, how awesome is that, they drive past the COLOSSEUM EVERY DAY! its like they are living in a history book. I get to do that, and finally realized how priviledged I am to be here and to learn about history on the front line, and to physically see it's beauty.

Fitting in

One thing I've noticed about Italians and their dress is that one, they are very skinny. Everyone is, i dont think you could actaully come here not being skinny cause its very hard to fit in doors and beds and such. I just got out of the shower where I was starring at the cubicle around me wondering what someone would do if they were a bit wider than myself. I barely had room to turn around. Two, they were loose clothing, for the most part. Its funny that they are skinny and wear loose clothing and in the US the large people try to fit into these skin tight outfits.

Okay onto some Florence specific news, I am slowly having faith in this city. I have been able to communicate a bit more with the locals as my flatmates dont speak italian so they have me translate. I still don't feel a great fit, I dont know if its the people I'm with or the people of actual Firenze.

Last night we went out for a bit, the bar we found was full of American study abroad folk. I have decided one thing, I do not want this experience to be another "study abroad" trip. My mind is just not set for the school on the backburner, go out 4 times a week, blow a lot of money on trips, be loud and obnoxious. I look at those girls and guys in the bar and was like, that does not look like fun. The girls were dancing on tables just being ridiculous, of course people have such tainted views of America, this is what we send them as our ambassadors. I want to change that, not in full, but maybe to one or two people. I want to meet a group that I get along with, laugh with and fully connect with; not that I don't connect with the people in my program, but I haven't had any stunning "ah ha" moments yet.

I know this sounds a little depressing but I do like the city. I like that I'm being pushed outside of my comfort zone, but I'm just now realizing how it might be a bit more challenging than I thought it would. Think about it, our guidance people at the school have told us to not even look at jobs until we are graduated, but where am i suppose to live next month? Should I just pick a new city and try there a bit while I get work details sorted or do I stay in Florence where I will have a bit of a safety net. I predict a lot of stress in my future.

parlatemi!

I have now completed two full days of class and on my third day in Florence. School is intense, and is only going to get worse. Luckily we arent there the entire day, maybe only from 10am to 5 or 6pm. My day changes every day due to teaching schedules. We start acutally teaching tomorrow!! Day Three!! Crazy. I've heard a lot of interesting stories about the job market here in Italy. Basically you cant find jobs in big cities which is perfect for me cause I dont want to be in a big italian city. I have definitely decided its not for me.

The city: FULL OF AMERICANS. No joke, i heard a statistic that there are 7,000 American students studying here each semester. My school is in one of the main piazza's (like city squares) and i have to surf through a crowd of tourists to get there or anywhere in this city. Today was the first day i've had time to explore. One of my flatmates and I went walking and we foundsome very beautiful areas and cute sidestreets that werent so full of tourists. I'm excited to explore further now and with a camera. I havent taken any pictures and had my first gelato today it wasnt even from a shop it was from the grocery store. Things are so expensive its so hard to convince myself to buy things. For those who know me, they know I am a huge penny pincher so having to live in a country as expensive as Italy and try to be conservative with funds is extremely difficult.

My main issue with this city is that its hard to find good italian culture. I'm trying so hard to learn the language, however, I don't look italian (thanks dad) so they speak to me in english. THen i respond in italian, and they respond in english again. I have no idea how i'm suppose to learn if they wont even talk to me in italian. Thankfully through friends from the states I have a few italian friends who have been willing to talk and help me learn my italian.

I have been thinking about where I want to go after my class. I really do think i want to stay here to learn the language. I'm scared of starting over in a place where I'm not framiliar with the culture.I find it very disrespectful. HOwever my views may change.

Its is time for bed. I'm still very jetlegged and have some homework to do before I fall asleep. I just finally got internet in my room! So now i can skpe in peace, with all that are willing.

arrival

Well here I am, its just about 2am my time and I'm wide awake. Florence has had an interesting beginning for me. I kind of feel overwhelmed but am not sure if that is just becuase I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the last few days.

I have class in the morning at 9am and I feel that maybe some of my questions and apprehensions will be answered at that time.

The only real frustration i have at this point is that my internet in my room doesnt work. It worke everywhere else in the house but apparently i'm in a dead zone. So here I am sitting in the dark of our kitchen typing away to try to put me back to sleep.

I hope tomorrow I'll have a little bit better understanding of what I'm doing as well as a better update.

Ciao