buda- to - the - pest

Budapest was good. It’s a pretty cool city. I spent a lot of time here and found new things to do everyday. Since I’m at the end of my journey I’m semi disinterested. All I can think about is the uncertainty of my future and it depresses me a little bit. I can’t believe its been almost a year. I want to go home. I want to figure out what is going on next. I cant help to think about the friends that will disappear if I don’t go back to Istanbul. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? We they the conditional friends? Those who love me/ appreciate me because I’m there and can entertain, can listen, can be the person to pass time with.

Now I worry about going home. Will my friends and family be different? I know this year has changed me, have they changed too? Will I be able to pick things up as I left them? All these things scare me as I approach my final destination. I think its kind of cool that I’m making a final pit stop in Italy, I think as I wander the streets of Rome for one day, I can reminisce my arrival. The jetlagged stumble into Florence. Meeting my roommates, going out for our first of many Italian dinners together and getting to know one another. Finding out why each person decided to make this change in their life. Each of us came for really different reasons, we came from very different backgrounds, however we all had one thing in common, We needed something new. The majority of us found out we were running from something. I cant help, these last few days, to think about what it was that I was running from when I came here. I cant quite put my finger on it, but I wasn’t happy, I needed out. Am I ready to go back to whatever I was tired/afraid of? In a few days I think I will find out. I sure hope there are some answers waiting for me in the near future as well.

bucharest

Bucharest.
As we flew into Bucharest, I thought I was flying back into Wisconsin. Quinn, my travel buddy, and I kept looking for cows, but unfortunately we didn’t see any. Quinn is also from Wisconsin. The first thing we did in Bucharest was buy a train ticket out of Bucharest. The second thing? MCDONALDS. Yes, we are that great of worldwide travelers. I wanted to try the ice cream at every McDonalds, but am quickly realizing (without disappointment) they are pretty similar in every country. This one had some crazy baby cones. After checking into our hostel, we accomplished the next most American thing possible to do. We went to H&M at the shopping mall we found. It was normal. Then we walked around the city, found a cute area to eat and went back. We took much needed showers, and Quinn went out again, I was exhausted both mentally and physically from my last few days in Istanbul. Today we walked more and more. I’m convinced we saw all of Bucharest in 24 hours. It was both cute and ugly. It had many green places which made it enjoyable, It also had some of the most disgusting buildings I’ve ever seen.
I also noticed guys love exposing their bellies. All the older men with pot bellies I’ve scene enjoy walking around with their shirts rolled up over them. The girls so far have worn incredibly short shorts/skirts (as Quinn pointed out).
I’m now currently on the train as I type this, and its almost sunset as we are traveling through what we think is translyvania. Its quite beautiful.

goodbyes again

Istanbul goodbye. As I type my final thoughts of Istanbul, Istanbul is still not out of my mind. I am currently on the train from Bucharest, Romania to Budapest, Hungary. The song playing on my ipod couldn’t be more fitting for this post, “All good things” by the Weepies. The lyrics “all good things come to an end.”
I am not good at goodbyes, leaving Istanbul was especially rough. As you can maybe see from my posts or talking to me when I get back, I’ve changed and that is because of my experiences in Turkey.
Turkey has taught me a lot about myself, and enlightened me about other cultures. I was put in a situation that is probably really difficult for the average person. Despite the language barriers and cultural differences, I was able to meet some pretty amazing people. That is something I don’t think would ever happen in America. People took me under their wing, made sure I was cared for; that was pretty amazing. Seeing that I, in turn, impacted lives here also made saying goodbye difficult.
I don’t think I’ll accurately be able to describe this past year to people in America. You just can’t put labels on things that happen. I’m definitely afraid of going home. I’m scared of reverse culture shock. I hadn’t been out of turkey in 8 months when I arrived in Bucharest. I kept trying to speak the Turkish that was ingrained in my head. I couldn’t understand that things were different. I felt oddly out of place and a little weird. I then realized, this was only the beginning of my transition back to the USA. All day yesterday I had a feeling in my stomach that I was doing something wrong, that I was happy in Istanbul why was I leaving? Was I suppose to leave? A matter of where I should be and when, the classic problem. Knowing that I made the decision to leave, freaked me out. The future is very uncertain. I think once again I could be happy many places. I just want to let God make that decision for me, and I’m trying to remain relaxed and joyful. I have many opportunities and I’m lucky to have people all over the world that love me and want my presence among them. That’s what I really want. I want to be loved, and feel wanted somewhere. A purposeful life.

Goodbyes

For the record I just spend 20 minutes trying to log onto this blog. That shows dedication right there....

My time is coming to a close. My mother, brother, and sister-in-law were here last week and it was great. I am happy to be able to share a bit of my last 8 months with someone from home. I am happy that they were so open minded and relaxed that it made the trip a lot more enjoyable for me at least. I think the best perk was they took all my stuff home so i only have a backpack to travel with! :)

I'm slowly saying all of my goodbyes. I had a friend tell me how cool it is to build "family" in different parts of the world. It has definitely been amazing getting to know the people here but how do you say goodbye when most likely you'll never see them again. I want to say, oh no problem i'll be back. But I feel like I'll be giving up a lot go come back and am not sure that is the best option. My students and my friends have really become my family here. When i have a problem, or a question, I bring it to my next class. They are genuinely very worried about me, which is what you need when you are living in a strange foreign place. I can't say the same treatment would happen in the USA which makes me sad to leave this place also.

Last night my girls class took me out for a "turkish dinner" We went to this area called "Kumkapi" where they have lines of restaurants, serving the same foods. You get meses, which are like appetizers (holly's favorite dish here) borek, fish,chicken or meat, fruit for desert and drinks. Then they fill this long dinner with dancing. I love these nights. As we were leaving the sounds of drums in every restaurant were echoing through the streets, Belly dancers on the tables outsides. Waiters dancing on chairs. Random groups of musicians serenading tables on the sidewalk. Its a wonderful sight and sound. Not to metion wonderful food!

One thing that was sad though, was that not all of my class could come because their fathers wanted them home. Two of the girls are my age. It was 7pm they had one hour before returning home. There family has even invited me to dinner b/c they talk about me so much, but they had one hour for dinner before being home on a saturday night. One of the other girls says to me, christy i am such a liar, I told my mother i was goign to my sisters house so i could come have dinner with you. She is 26.

It hurts me to see the lack of freedom these people have. They arent even trying to do anything crazy, but to have dinner with a bunch of girlfriends. I did hear the girl talkign to her mother in the car and she told her the truth, that she was going out to dinner b/c it was her teachers last day. I did hear her say yes, all girls many times and you can look on facebook to see the pictures.

Girls my age, will live like this until they get married when they will switch to thier husbands control. It made me realize how lucky I am. I have been given a freedom. It makes me feel bad that I fought my parents about curfews so much when i was younger because in reality i had it really good. I had a family that loved me, cared about me, and respected me enough to let me make my own decisions, To let me travel, to let me figure out my life, to let me become who I wanted to be. I think that was something very important that I have learned here. şanlıyım ve benım aılem benı sevıyor. I am lucky and my family loves me.

long walks and wrap ups

I had a little extra time today and decided it was time for a long walk to think. This used to be one of my favorite pasttimes and i think lately i've been so wrapped up in life that I've completely forgotten to take time to think. To process whats going on around me, and whats going on with me. This was a much needed walk. I like my life here, I'm not neccessarily excited for it to end but one thing I know is, its time to take a break and go home, Go home and really think about things. I am trusting that once again God will point me in a direction to go from there. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm doing, i can tell them what I think my plan is, but I assure them I'm not really sure what the future holds for me. I started thinking about those goals i had when I first got here, am I fulfilling them? I'm a planner and I think it was time to step back and see if what I'm doing, if what i think feels good right now, Is ultimately what was I had in mind. Am I doing things for the right reasons. I a big pro and con maker, and as much as it might annoy other people, I think it helps me. Right now I'm making those lists for everything. It's both good and bad.

closing time

About three months ago, I was really looking forward to going home. I was in that little rut some people get in when they don't know what they are doing with thier lives. Now with just under a month to my departure from Turkey my feelings have completely changed. I will miss life here, I think I was finally getting comfortbably and now I'm heading off again. Why does it seem like that keeps happening in my life.

On the other hand I was hanging out with Brandon yesterday because he is finished, and I realized that I actually am really excited to go home. I feel like I can properly relax at home. I will have TV! I will ride a bike, i wont worry about people not understanding me, I can speak as fast as i want. I don't have to worry about offending someone due to cultural differences. I will be back to a culutre that I (for the most part) understand. Thinking about that does get me excited about going home.

Bir ay sonra

One month left. This is incredibly bittersweet. I dont know how I feel about it. I am at my usual pondering/ get work done location: Starbucks, where I ordered in turkish. The guy did a double take and i think almost started laughing because he did not expect me to speak turkish. He understood me clearly, which should have been that hard since i was just ordering coffee, but i also realized how I'm still not taken seriously due to my light colored haird and blue eyes. I also think it has something to do with the fact that i'm probably dressed incredibly american today b/c it is my day off. I also felt a little bit of joy that he didnt ask me to repeat what I said b/e he understood me perfectly, I am starting to be able to have conversations. Its starting to click, with only one month left... I think its a really fun language and really interesting to listen to. I realized that i know most of the grammar but am missing vocabulary, which reading really helps. Good thing my teacher got me some childrens books to work on. That is what I spent the morning doing.

I played frisbee with Mike yesterday and realized how much i miss frisbee, or outside sports. It was fun, summer is good. There are also a lot of things I realized I would miss about turkey, My friends here have asked if I'm worried about entertaining or having my family visit. I said not really, i hope that they will fall in love with this country like I did the first time.

After traveling to the islands with my students last week, i realized that I have done more things in this country than the people who have lived here their entire lives. I understand not doing touristy things as in many of the cities I lived in, i havent gone to the popular locations, but I thought the islands were definitely a "turkish" thing to do. I started to get frustrated with teh fact that when I ask my students "what did you do last night/ weekend" their normal answer is I went to work, i went home, i watched tv. i went to sleep. Was really, in fact, all they did, all they ever do. They have no sense of adventure. Or maybe they do but have no chance to execute that excitement. When we were at the isalnds I started walking on the rocks (really big rocks, not a bit dangerous in my mine) and they FREAKED out. Teacher that is dangerous. WHere is your sense of excitment? A little bit of a thrill here and there. Go out one night without a plan and start walking. You eventually find something to do. I remember in college when I had no idea what to do at night, brittany and I would just start walking, we almost always eventually found something interesting to do, if not we at least got exercise and killed some time. That just doesnt happen here, especially when they think i'm crazy for walking anywhere.

The things they accept here are just ridiculous, but they dont know anything else. I see the value of education, most importantly good education. They know that they were poorly educated and it bugs me. DO something about it!

Mike and i were talking about the lack of determination here, it is something that really bothers us. We both really value determined/ driven people. We also realized that its a cultural thing. We have a lot of opportunities, thus we can be driven because everything is possible for us (except maybe finding a job right now!). They dont necessarily have all the advantages we have. i hate that they talk so badly about my country when I see all the benefits i got from it. Maybe they talk so badly because really they are jealous that they dont have what we have. For this case, i am very sensitive when we talk about that subject. I did tell them the other day that I was jealous that they were learning English and would be fluent in two languages as that is something we take for granted in the US. "oh everyone speaks english so i dont need to learn another language" they will be one step ahead of me, in that they can communicate with more people. They were pretty surprised about that. I am pretty happy i dont have to learn English b/c i think its a pretty difficult language.

Lastly, something else i wanted to touch on. Money. For the first time in my life i'm not worried about spending money, i am not thinking about every penny and how i cant go out with someone b/c i dont have the money. i never really wanted to be the person who had lots of it, but I definitely see the perks to having money. It really does change your experience. When i first came and was very concerned with saving, i didnt go out with the otehr teachers becasue it cost money, and thus lost out on some friendships. I was really lucky in the US to have people in the same financial setting as i was, but now i think about how my experience would change if i wasnt worried about shelling out a few extra dollars. It scares me to go back knowing i dont have a job and I'll find myself right back in the old position.."should i go out tonight? what about next month when i dont have a paycheck coming in" Life is good right now. and in one month it is about to change again, and I dont know how I feel about that.