Bir ay sonra

One month left. This is incredibly bittersweet. I dont know how I feel about it. I am at my usual pondering/ get work done location: Starbucks, where I ordered in turkish. The guy did a double take and i think almost started laughing because he did not expect me to speak turkish. He understood me clearly, which should have been that hard since i was just ordering coffee, but i also realized how I'm still not taken seriously due to my light colored haird and blue eyes. I also think it has something to do with the fact that i'm probably dressed incredibly american today b/c it is my day off. I also felt a little bit of joy that he didnt ask me to repeat what I said b/e he understood me perfectly, I am starting to be able to have conversations. Its starting to click, with only one month left... I think its a really fun language and really interesting to listen to. I realized that i know most of the grammar but am missing vocabulary, which reading really helps. Good thing my teacher got me some childrens books to work on. That is what I spent the morning doing.

I played frisbee with Mike yesterday and realized how much i miss frisbee, or outside sports. It was fun, summer is good. There are also a lot of things I realized I would miss about turkey, My friends here have asked if I'm worried about entertaining or having my family visit. I said not really, i hope that they will fall in love with this country like I did the first time.

After traveling to the islands with my students last week, i realized that I have done more things in this country than the people who have lived here their entire lives. I understand not doing touristy things as in many of the cities I lived in, i havent gone to the popular locations, but I thought the islands were definitely a "turkish" thing to do. I started to get frustrated with teh fact that when I ask my students "what did you do last night/ weekend" their normal answer is I went to work, i went home, i watched tv. i went to sleep. Was really, in fact, all they did, all they ever do. They have no sense of adventure. Or maybe they do but have no chance to execute that excitement. When we were at the isalnds I started walking on the rocks (really big rocks, not a bit dangerous in my mine) and they FREAKED out. Teacher that is dangerous. WHere is your sense of excitment? A little bit of a thrill here and there. Go out one night without a plan and start walking. You eventually find something to do. I remember in college when I had no idea what to do at night, brittany and I would just start walking, we almost always eventually found something interesting to do, if not we at least got exercise and killed some time. That just doesnt happen here, especially when they think i'm crazy for walking anywhere.

The things they accept here are just ridiculous, but they dont know anything else. I see the value of education, most importantly good education. They know that they were poorly educated and it bugs me. DO something about it!

Mike and i were talking about the lack of determination here, it is something that really bothers us. We both really value determined/ driven people. We also realized that its a cultural thing. We have a lot of opportunities, thus we can be driven because everything is possible for us (except maybe finding a job right now!). They dont necessarily have all the advantages we have. i hate that they talk so badly about my country when I see all the benefits i got from it. Maybe they talk so badly because really they are jealous that they dont have what we have. For this case, i am very sensitive when we talk about that subject. I did tell them the other day that I was jealous that they were learning English and would be fluent in two languages as that is something we take for granted in the US. "oh everyone speaks english so i dont need to learn another language" they will be one step ahead of me, in that they can communicate with more people. They were pretty surprised about that. I am pretty happy i dont have to learn English b/c i think its a pretty difficult language.

Lastly, something else i wanted to touch on. Money. For the first time in my life i'm not worried about spending money, i am not thinking about every penny and how i cant go out with someone b/c i dont have the money. i never really wanted to be the person who had lots of it, but I definitely see the perks to having money. It really does change your experience. When i first came and was very concerned with saving, i didnt go out with the otehr teachers becasue it cost money, and thus lost out on some friendships. I was really lucky in the US to have people in the same financial setting as i was, but now i think about how my experience would change if i wasnt worried about shelling out a few extra dollars. It scares me to go back knowing i dont have a job and I'll find myself right back in the old position.."should i go out tonight? what about next month when i dont have a paycheck coming in" Life is good right now. and in one month it is about to change again, and I dont know how I feel about that.

Jealousy and protection

There may have been many posts on this topic but lately I've been experiencing the wrath of Turkish jealousy more and more. It is altogether facinating, annoying, comical, and a little pathetic. I do surround myself in a web of people if i'm feeling at all uncomfortable. The turks really want to "protect" those they love. When i have a problem, I can easily tell any of my students and they will freak out " what, who, where!" I think its nice to get their response but sometimes it a bit annoyiing, Christy you must be careful. I am not an idiot, i have lived in cities, and to be honest i think those cities have been more dangerous than turkish ones. HOwever, they think everything is dangerous. As i get to know the jealous turk more and more, i realize that their form of protection is against the jealous turk not the random mugger. My male students will ask me about my weekends plans. "Did you have a drink with a boy?, yes,teacher I am jealous" Ok, thanks for telling me that, its not going to change my plans from hanging out with other teachers! "teacher i can be your turkish teacher, no thanks I have a pretty good one, 'i am jealous'" Sometimes its cute but sometimes I think they have no right to tell me what i do, who i'm with, and to be super worried about me, but its just their culture.

We were at the islands together. I was climbing on some rocks (big rocks mind you) and they FREAKED OUT. Teacher noooooooo that is dangerous! i was standing near a ledge about 4 people grabbed me. Teacher this is too close. I wondered where their sense of excitement and curiousity was. Yes, I know sometimes i do pretty daring things, but this was me being very cautious. It amazes me how (for me) unexciting thier lives are, they dont do anything. Or cant do anything. ONe of the teachers and i have been talking about that lately. Our students who have to go straight home after class, and they are older than me. Its frustrating. Its frustrating that they dont have fun travel stories like I do. Its frustrating to have them judge me for staying in a 20lira hostel when they think i should stay in an expensive place becasue it might not be safe. hello, i save money this way, i'm smart i lock my things, AND i meet new people, hear new stories, learn about new cultures. Sometimes its frustrating to know how lucky I am and what they are missing out.

classic culture

I realized yesterday how little time I have left in Istanbul. A few months ago i thought my countdown wasnt enough, now I feel guilty for not packing my day full of activities and most importanly cups of tea, and great turkish cuisine. One thing that has been noticed in all my travels as well as commented on by many other travelers is the lack of food culture in the US. I think only little bit of "food culture" we have backyard barbeque, which is something I really miss. However, we dont have the tea coffee culture. they have special cups, speacial customs, Everyone participates, There are no orders like " one coffee hold the milk, add the sugar but not too much sugar, shake it three times, then i will enjoy" It's simple, tea, bitti, fishined finito. Food orders can not be changed, and we accept that. "You want more mushrooms? IMPOSSIBLE" I understand how people change the dish to make it more delicious for themselves, but its also kind of rude I think. I like the long dinners, the many courses, the everyone has a fork and you all eat out of one bowl, SOmething the germ concious Americans would never do. What is funny is that, we are germ concious in that no one will share a drink, yet here they are germ conscious as in "teacher you must not sit on that cement! You must not sit on the grass!!" It entertaining really, their deserts arent as sweet but still delicious, I was excited to eat lots of cakes and actually lose weight. Fun fact, my turkish teacher brought me a cake his grandmother made for me. It was delicious, He said he likes to do things like that for people that dont have the luxuary of grandma cooks. I love that. Its like in college in America.

ages

Well I know its been ages since I've been updating, but that should be a good sign right? I have found other things to do than dwell on the fact that I'm in a foreign culture scouring every coversation for something to think about. Now I feel like I've come to a point where the outrageous things I notice or experience arent much of a shock anymore. Yes, they still annoy me. Everytime I walk to work and someone intentionally runs into me, I think "I cant wait to leave this place, but then something happens which reminds me that they are people too, I probably have little cultural quirks that bug them also. Although I think being polite shouldnt be something that is difficult to adapt, but who am I to say....

I went to Bodrum last weekend for a mini holiday, It was great.I got away to a beach town but oddly felt at home because I could communicate and it was like a smaller version of Istanbul. I enjoyed relaxing and having nothing to do. I knew that had i been in Istanbul I would not have gotten the relaxation that the distance of Bodrum gave me. there is somethign about being away from a computer and being away from the everyday routines that provided me with a sense of freedom.

I think my last two months will fly by. I am planning my post Istanbul travels and its a little stressful. I love that I'm living in the middle of the world and virtually any destination is a possibility.

great talks

Last week I was ready to pack my bags and get out of Turkey, I had a countdown and couldnt believe how far away two months seemed to be. As usual my homesickness turned around b/c of some good times with my students and friends. I was getting very frusted with the closeminded, uneducated turks that I seemed to be interacting with. However this weekend, I had a long, really good conversation about many controversial topics with my class. they presented facts and reasons for doing things in their culture. I gave many examples about "what my students told me" and finally one girl was like," well christy those are english time students. we arent all like that." I needed to hear that. I know many times turkish people say things to me just to see if they can get a rise out of me. Most of the time now, i tell them I am not going to comment on their statement but thank you for your opinion. In this situation I coulc calmly express what I would do in the situation and what i've heard they would do in a situation and we could have a civil intellectual conversation. it was awesome. We talked a lot about the role of men and women in relationships, prostitution, treatement of men/women. Marriage, views of sex. problems in society. etc. They just kept going, It was amazing, I had a med student in class who would bring up the medical points to al of these issues. And it was a male dominated class but the one female is a very outspoken one. It was facinating to hear their views on the issues and thier experience with said topics. I was frustrated with turkey b/c i felt like everyone was the same. I couldnt have really great conversations without something offensive being said. They totally changed my mind and made me feel a lot better about things. I also had a class that wasnt coming one day so before i went home i went up to the canteen to see where my one student was.I saw a group of students from a different class and sat and talked with them. Instead of going home, i spent 2 hours in conversation with them, which also was really great. they were very appreciative of my time, THey said"you could have gone home but you stayed and practiced english with us?? that is amazing" THey had no idea that i was actually still getting paid but that didnt matter. It is nice to be appreciated.

It's learning about culture that I will really miss. I am still learning which is why i still really enjoy being here. It will be hard to leave in less than two months...

Plans plans plans

This week my mind has been buzzing with my options of where to go. I had these extravagant plans made and realized I dont really have as much time as these would take. I said i had two weeks and i was naming like 5 cities and Bettinga kept saying christy you only have two weeks. Then I realized that i only have a little over one week. This is getting more difficult but also easier b/c i wont have to travel so much on my own. I think i'll end up in italy for some of it so i can see friend and do something with them. My origninal goal for the year was to get to two new countries. However, I may only hit one. I am kinda bummed about that, we will see how my end travel plans end up. I also think to discover a new country (for me) it is easier and more interesting to do it with someone else. For that reason I dont think i'm that upset.

I booked a trip to Bodrum for May 1st, A beautiful beach town where it seems most of turkey spends their summer. I have a travel buddy! Kim who has the same days off as me and I are going together. I'm pretty excited for some beach laying.

Aside from travel plans, I'm looking forward to going home. From today I have two months left on my contract (the 21 and 22 are my days off so i think i'll be done with my contract early) That is pretty exciting. I subbed for a class yesterday and when I was talking with them, they stopped and said "Christy we enjoy you here b/c you speak very clearly and slowing." then they proceeded to thank me profusing for coming in. that was really nice, I will miss that about turkish students. I enjoyed going into that class to see how other teachers do things. I got some new ideas, and i was very jealous b/c it seems like her class is more well behaved, something I'm trying to work on for my classes. I dont understand why all of my classes, speak loads of turkish in class, and other teachers seem to not have a problem with it. That is my only frustration with my classes right now.

bilmiyorum

Everytime I try to post on here, I get as far as "title" then either get sidetracked or realize I have nothing to post about. Normally, I don't even get that far because my internet is so unreliable that I normally can even access it. The title "bilmiyorum" means I don't know. Story of my life right? Lately I've been working really hard not to let future plans dictate how I live my life now. During my turkish lesson yesterday, my teacher was having me practice using future tense and asked me about what I'm doing this summer. I looked at him, and said "bilmiyorum" He laughed and said "you are finally Turkish" We turks never know what is going to happen in the future, we live life day to day. We don't plan ahead." I was relieved that he didnt think low of me because I had no plans like most people in the US would, but it didnt make me feel any better. I told him I was a planner and this was driving me crazy.

I've been doing pretty good at not getting stressed out about it, but now I started realizing that many of my friends dont have jobs in the US, or are barely makeing it from paycheck to paycheck. They are very bright people, why can't they get jobs. I think about everyone going throught the same thing I am. I always seem underqualified for every job posting yet, I know I'm way more qualified than lots of people. I think what scares me is I dont know if its something I would want to do. I look at one city, it looks ok, but then i ask myself, is that where i'm suppose to be? Sometimes I wish God would just write me a letter or something and say "Hey Christy, go here" And i would say ok God, thanks for the letter, I would be happy to go there, Life isn't that easy, but I can't really imagine what life must be like for those who don't have faith. I at least trust that God will open a door for me, I've been pretty lucky with that throughout my life, but what about those who dont have the trust that I have? How do they do it?

I was pretty sure that my teaching stunt was not going to be a permanent career, I'm just not that passionate about it. It has been fun, and I could continue for a bit, but its nothing to crazy awesome (maybe that would just be my lack of resources at my office) However, last week on two seperate occassions I had students pull me aside and say 1.) "Christy I've been to 5 different language schools and never found one i liked, but I like it here. (I asked why) He said, I actually learn from you, it all makes sense now, and I'm not nervous to talk and make mistakes in front of you. You make learning fun" Then number 2)(high school student) "Christy I took exams last week and I got ___ on my English test. Christy, i've never done that well on an exam before, I was so happy. I am so happy that you are my teacher, I have learned a lot from you.I dont learn anything from my other English teachers. Thank you"

I guess I am making an impact. That makes me feel a lot better about what I'm doing. Sometimes we just feel like entertainers at our job because if we dont do that, the students hate us, and we get in trouble. Most of the job is entertaining, which luckily I'm pretty good at, i was afraid that I was useless as a teacher but I've seen improvement which makes a big difference.

This doesn't make me feel any better about my future, but I do know that I'm changing lives and that I can live with for now.