bilmiyorum

Everytime I try to post on here, I get as far as "title" then either get sidetracked or realize I have nothing to post about. Normally, I don't even get that far because my internet is so unreliable that I normally can even access it. The title "bilmiyorum" means I don't know. Story of my life right? Lately I've been working really hard not to let future plans dictate how I live my life now. During my turkish lesson yesterday, my teacher was having me practice using future tense and asked me about what I'm doing this summer. I looked at him, and said "bilmiyorum" He laughed and said "you are finally Turkish" We turks never know what is going to happen in the future, we live life day to day. We don't plan ahead." I was relieved that he didnt think low of me because I had no plans like most people in the US would, but it didnt make me feel any better. I told him I was a planner and this was driving me crazy.

I've been doing pretty good at not getting stressed out about it, but now I started realizing that many of my friends dont have jobs in the US, or are barely makeing it from paycheck to paycheck. They are very bright people, why can't they get jobs. I think about everyone going throught the same thing I am. I always seem underqualified for every job posting yet, I know I'm way more qualified than lots of people. I think what scares me is I dont know if its something I would want to do. I look at one city, it looks ok, but then i ask myself, is that where i'm suppose to be? Sometimes I wish God would just write me a letter or something and say "Hey Christy, go here" And i would say ok God, thanks for the letter, I would be happy to go there, Life isn't that easy, but I can't really imagine what life must be like for those who don't have faith. I at least trust that God will open a door for me, I've been pretty lucky with that throughout my life, but what about those who dont have the trust that I have? How do they do it?

I was pretty sure that my teaching stunt was not going to be a permanent career, I'm just not that passionate about it. It has been fun, and I could continue for a bit, but its nothing to crazy awesome (maybe that would just be my lack of resources at my office) However, last week on two seperate occassions I had students pull me aside and say 1.) "Christy I've been to 5 different language schools and never found one i liked, but I like it here. (I asked why) He said, I actually learn from you, it all makes sense now, and I'm not nervous to talk and make mistakes in front of you. You make learning fun" Then number 2)(high school student) "Christy I took exams last week and I got ___ on my English test. Christy, i've never done that well on an exam before, I was so happy. I am so happy that you are my teacher, I have learned a lot from you.I dont learn anything from my other English teachers. Thank you"

I guess I am making an impact. That makes me feel a lot better about what I'm doing. Sometimes we just feel like entertainers at our job because if we dont do that, the students hate us, and we get in trouble. Most of the job is entertaining, which luckily I'm pretty good at, i was afraid that I was useless as a teacher but I've seen improvement which makes a big difference.

This doesn't make me feel any better about my future, but I do know that I'm changing lives and that I can live with for now.