great talks

Last week I was ready to pack my bags and get out of Turkey, I had a countdown and couldnt believe how far away two months seemed to be. As usual my homesickness turned around b/c of some good times with my students and friends. I was getting very frusted with the closeminded, uneducated turks that I seemed to be interacting with. However this weekend, I had a long, really good conversation about many controversial topics with my class. they presented facts and reasons for doing things in their culture. I gave many examples about "what my students told me" and finally one girl was like," well christy those are english time students. we arent all like that." I needed to hear that. I know many times turkish people say things to me just to see if they can get a rise out of me. Most of the time now, i tell them I am not going to comment on their statement but thank you for your opinion. In this situation I coulc calmly express what I would do in the situation and what i've heard they would do in a situation and we could have a civil intellectual conversation. it was awesome. We talked a lot about the role of men and women in relationships, prostitution, treatement of men/women. Marriage, views of sex. problems in society. etc. They just kept going, It was amazing, I had a med student in class who would bring up the medical points to al of these issues. And it was a male dominated class but the one female is a very outspoken one. It was facinating to hear their views on the issues and thier experience with said topics. I was frustrated with turkey b/c i felt like everyone was the same. I couldnt have really great conversations without something offensive being said. They totally changed my mind and made me feel a lot better about things. I also had a class that wasnt coming one day so before i went home i went up to the canteen to see where my one student was.I saw a group of students from a different class and sat and talked with them. Instead of going home, i spent 2 hours in conversation with them, which also was really great. they were very appreciative of my time, THey said"you could have gone home but you stayed and practiced english with us?? that is amazing" THey had no idea that i was actually still getting paid but that didnt matter. It is nice to be appreciated.

It's learning about culture that I will really miss. I am still learning which is why i still really enjoy being here. It will be hard to leave in less than two months...

Plans plans plans

This week my mind has been buzzing with my options of where to go. I had these extravagant plans made and realized I dont really have as much time as these would take. I said i had two weeks and i was naming like 5 cities and Bettinga kept saying christy you only have two weeks. Then I realized that i only have a little over one week. This is getting more difficult but also easier b/c i wont have to travel so much on my own. I think i'll end up in italy for some of it so i can see friend and do something with them. My origninal goal for the year was to get to two new countries. However, I may only hit one. I am kinda bummed about that, we will see how my end travel plans end up. I also think to discover a new country (for me) it is easier and more interesting to do it with someone else. For that reason I dont think i'm that upset.

I booked a trip to Bodrum for May 1st, A beautiful beach town where it seems most of turkey spends their summer. I have a travel buddy! Kim who has the same days off as me and I are going together. I'm pretty excited for some beach laying.

Aside from travel plans, I'm looking forward to going home. From today I have two months left on my contract (the 21 and 22 are my days off so i think i'll be done with my contract early) That is pretty exciting. I subbed for a class yesterday and when I was talking with them, they stopped and said "Christy we enjoy you here b/c you speak very clearly and slowing." then they proceeded to thank me profusing for coming in. that was really nice, I will miss that about turkish students. I enjoyed going into that class to see how other teachers do things. I got some new ideas, and i was very jealous b/c it seems like her class is more well behaved, something I'm trying to work on for my classes. I dont understand why all of my classes, speak loads of turkish in class, and other teachers seem to not have a problem with it. That is my only frustration with my classes right now.

bilmiyorum

Everytime I try to post on here, I get as far as "title" then either get sidetracked or realize I have nothing to post about. Normally, I don't even get that far because my internet is so unreliable that I normally can even access it. The title "bilmiyorum" means I don't know. Story of my life right? Lately I've been working really hard not to let future plans dictate how I live my life now. During my turkish lesson yesterday, my teacher was having me practice using future tense and asked me about what I'm doing this summer. I looked at him, and said "bilmiyorum" He laughed and said "you are finally Turkish" We turks never know what is going to happen in the future, we live life day to day. We don't plan ahead." I was relieved that he didnt think low of me because I had no plans like most people in the US would, but it didnt make me feel any better. I told him I was a planner and this was driving me crazy.

I've been doing pretty good at not getting stressed out about it, but now I started realizing that many of my friends dont have jobs in the US, or are barely makeing it from paycheck to paycheck. They are very bright people, why can't they get jobs. I think about everyone going throught the same thing I am. I always seem underqualified for every job posting yet, I know I'm way more qualified than lots of people. I think what scares me is I dont know if its something I would want to do. I look at one city, it looks ok, but then i ask myself, is that where i'm suppose to be? Sometimes I wish God would just write me a letter or something and say "Hey Christy, go here" And i would say ok God, thanks for the letter, I would be happy to go there, Life isn't that easy, but I can't really imagine what life must be like for those who don't have faith. I at least trust that God will open a door for me, I've been pretty lucky with that throughout my life, but what about those who dont have the trust that I have? How do they do it?

I was pretty sure that my teaching stunt was not going to be a permanent career, I'm just not that passionate about it. It has been fun, and I could continue for a bit, but its nothing to crazy awesome (maybe that would just be my lack of resources at my office) However, last week on two seperate occassions I had students pull me aside and say 1.) "Christy I've been to 5 different language schools and never found one i liked, but I like it here. (I asked why) He said, I actually learn from you, it all makes sense now, and I'm not nervous to talk and make mistakes in front of you. You make learning fun" Then number 2)(high school student) "Christy I took exams last week and I got ___ on my English test. Christy, i've never done that well on an exam before, I was so happy. I am so happy that you are my teacher, I have learned a lot from you.I dont learn anything from my other English teachers. Thank you"

I guess I am making an impact. That makes me feel a lot better about what I'm doing. Sometimes we just feel like entertainers at our job because if we dont do that, the students hate us, and we get in trouble. Most of the job is entertaining, which luckily I'm pretty good at, i was afraid that I was useless as a teacher but I've seen improvement which makes a big difference.

This doesn't make me feel any better about my future, but I do know that I'm changing lives and that I can live with for now.