tehlikeli

I think its easy for me to deal with little frustrations that life throws at me. However i have come to realize that when i "deal" with those frustrations i mostly just try to forget about them. Then they all seem to add up in the back of my mind and eventually i have one big break down. For me that was two nights ago. One little thing triggered it and i think all my emotions came tumbling out. I had some supportive friends try to cheer me up. I went home and had some much needed conversations with friends at home, since it was normal time there. then the next day, had some very concerned turks check up on me. I felt a little bad about some crap i said about their country but to be honest. For the majority i feel like its true things. I have been incredibly lucky to find a few of those level headed intelligent ones and they showed that by their concern and caring for me over the past year and a half.

On to the caring turks, i realized how much better/ easier my life is here because i teach adults. I cant count the ways they have made my adjustment to this city better. I know if i need anything they are definitely ready and willing to help me. For example, here if you need anything medical you dont go to the doctor you go to the pharmacy tell them your problem and they give you medicine. However finding english speaking pharmacies are a bit tricker. luckily in my level 5 weekend class (very good speakers) i have two pharmacists. I talked to them about my problems and its easily fixed. They were glad to help me.

Another issue that i've been encountering a lot lately is the term "dangerous" or "tehlikeli" in turkish. Everyone and everything is "tehlikeli" Its actually a bit comical to me. I was talking with one my students last weekend. She asked how often i go out. I said maybe once a week. She said, "oh i dont go out" I asked why. She said before she was never allowed to but at age 23 she would get permission but she doesnt want to go out now. She has learned to live a life in the house and not go out. I asked, well you dont want to go drink coffee with your friends on the weekends? She said "maybe, you know i can get permission now, because im older, but istanbul is dangerous, i should just go home" I was a bit in awe. Yes i understand its a city of 17 million people. Yes i understand there are crappy people here, Yes i understand that people are out to scam you here. Buuuuuuuuut, i do feel a whole lot safer here(minus the threat of earthquakes and suicide bombers) I just dont see the random muggings, held up at gunshot, type situation that freaks me out about american cities.

When i explain to my students i live in tarlibasi (which in their minds is the bronx in new york) they get very worried about me. I tell them its not so bad. That i actually feel safer walking home at 2am there and I would never be so daring to do so in America. I've gone out with my students a bunch lately and i swear every other word is "he is dangerous, they are dangerous, that place is dangerous" but what causes this? Is it the fear placed in their minds from over protective parents? I was walking down the street and they freaked out about my purse which was zipped up and next to me. I'm not an idiot, i know how to act in a city, but they are extremely worried. I worry that parents put fear in their children to keep them at home, or to slightly brainwash them. Apparently its working as they are constantly paranoid. Why not just teach intelligence. I think i like that option a whole lot better. I guess i'll talk to some of my educated turkish friends about this. Hopefully its not a "dangerous" subject.

accents

I finally passed my 4month hump on my contract. I must say it feels pretty good. I also was dreading the next four months a little bit. However, I did just get my new schedule a few minutes ago, not only do i have the weekend off but I have a good schedule for the next 8 weeks. I can actually enjoy my last 4 months here and travel.

I was hanging out with one of my british friends last night and he wanted to show me some famous film that they all keep quoting. I think it was british equivalent to office space. However, afterwards we watched some scottish sitcom. I realized how a language so close to mine was so difficult to understand. I thought about my students having a mixture of accents for teachers. That must be really difficult even though we try to all speak very clearly.

Happiness

Tonight my roommate Rabia and i had our classic "romantic dinner night" as in we cook food put on cheesy romantic music and eat together which happens everytime we are home and hungry at the same time. She asked me "When was the last time you were really happy" To me this seemed like either a depressing topic about to be started or a genuine look at my life.

This seemed like a stupid question because everyone knows that "I am the girl that smiles and is happy all the time" then i started to think about how many times i'm smiling and laughing but its really fake. I answered by saying the previous night at my class. they were really good and high spirited. I enjoy teaching in that atmosphere. I am lucky to have a job that makes me happy because i know so many people who are absoluely miserable at their job or looking for one. I realized that even in my lowest points in life i still have a warm group of people around me that are here for me. granted this group of people has changed due to my constant relocation but regarless of that God has blessed me with a support system near and far to make my bad moments good.

As i think about this christmas season, I think about all those who have the "holiday stress" and they dont remember what teh season is about. I think i can cherish it a bit more than normal since i missed it last year, and I'm coming from a country that doesnt know jesus. It is my joy everytime my students ask me about christmas and waht i do and why i'm so excited about it.

rollercoaster

I know i've been terrible at updating this, and everyday i think about somethign i want to post but i'm never around a computer and i forget to write these things down. I think the only thing i can update properly on this thing is that Turkey round two has been quite the rollercoaster. it has had its ups and downs. My office is going a bit crazy again. theres loads of interesting drama goingon with friends. Needless to say. I'm excited to go home for christmas but am also excited i'm coming back. The may end point scares me a bit.

work ethic

I have decided that the turkish work ethic really makes me angry. I know it may not be only "Turkish" but its what I've encountered here. I ask my students what did you do this weekend? They say " I studied" All weekend? I ask. That is pretty boring, surely you took a break and maybe ate something, You can tell me about that. No christy, i studied all weekend. Ok what did you study. If they say English, then i laugh because if you studied 48 hours of english and only english you would have at least done the 10 mins of homework I assigned. (of course i didnt actually laugh at my students when they say they studied, i praise them) The amount of studying my students say they do for their courses and the actual productivity seems unequal. I remember my very unproductive study days but that was normally when nothing important needed to get done. If i wanted to go to a party or meeting or something I prioritized, i worked hard for a few hours then I took a break and did the other important things. I knew that if i had to work I had two hours to do my homework. I made everything work.

I know that i was a good prioritizer and that this ability isnt the same for everyone, but I think especially in turkey it doesnt exist. I have turkish friends who i have asked to hang out. I'm sorry i'm studying all week, they say. I think really? No break for one hour and grab a coffee or tea. Nope, i must study constantly. these are people who I know are not being productive. Funny enough i know some of these people are studying for "english" tests. Interestingly enough i offer my help since i'm an english teacher, and they are too proud to accept help. I asked my turkish roommate about this and she says of course we wouldnt take your help. I am dumbfounded again. If i really needed to pass a test and anyone professionial in the subject offered to help me i would gladly accept. She said, nope christy, not in turkey. I was blown away. In a culture built on helping others they have a very individualist approach to somethings. - i guess this isnt true for everyone since i'm annoyed by those "i just want to practice english with you" people. my roommate actually said, christy I wouldnt ask you for help. I said thats a lie we practice all the time. But she rephrased and said if i offered help-which i have on several occasions because i know its important to her- she would never actually ask me to spend time teaching her.

It's so interesting that they wont accept free help, whereas I would in a heartbeat take free turkish lessons. I'm mostly frustrated with the missed plans with me because "i'm studying" I would love to observe my friends and students "study". Better yet, i should teach "prioritizing"

weekends

I'm reading a book right now that said " people dont ask you about your weekend unless they want to tell you about theirs" I couldnt help but think how true this was. In the US you always had to one up your conversation partner. You never ask about someones weekend unless maybe you are really bored and want any little piece of conversation starter. Here I always ask about my students weekend, mainly to get them talking but I have realized I always get teh same answer " i went home, i watched tv. i slept." Boring. If i tell them i did someting which normally i avoid the topic they think I am so adventous. However, i normally do my weekend activities out of bordom or ambition to get outa the house. This is purely not the case here. Their answer are so foreign to me however, I kind of like the lack of judgement when i say " oh i did absolutely nothing this past weekend"

21 days

It takes 21 days to break or make a habit. What are you suppose to do for those 21 days? 21 days can be a long time. i think i barely made it 21 days in my last living situation... but i think that was a completely different thing. I have now been back for 1.5 months. I'm finally starting to form some habits. I think life is better when you have routines and habits. I enjoy my mornings slowly rising, making coffee and relaxing, either reading,checking my email or talking with Sandra if she is here. The rest of my day always seems to be a blur as i've actually been working a lot. I have no idea what is going to happen when I actualy have morning class. I crave a future of certainty and routines.

Habits are forming in Istanbul and I'm starting to relax. The only problem is when there is a habit that seems all to framiliar that you try to break. I always live my life thinking that anything is possible, so even bad habits go away within time... perhaps 21 days worth of time.